Page 19 - Demo

Slippery Rock Gazette
January 2024 | 19
I’m Starting to See a Crack In This Savings Scheme
Here’s how my father once explained the concept of false economy: “It’s the guy who takes extra-long strides to avoid wearing out his $20 shoes and rips his $50 pants.”
I recently pulled a similar stunt. Neither pants nor shoes were harmed, but my eye- glasses sure took a beating.
Quick recap of my visual history: I’ve needed corrective vision since the fourth grade. Specs at first, then contact lenses, then a combination of both.
Sometime in my early 60s, bifocals entered the scene. This created a weird, on-off pattern. Wearing contacts, I had to put on close-up glasses to read. But if I was wearing far-off glasses, they had to be removed before I could read. Sorta like juggling bowling balls and thimbles at the same time.
Cataracts arrived in 2020. The surgery sounded dreadful.
“What?! You’re gonna carve on my eye- balls? And I’ll be awake the whole time? Aaak!”
Relax, said the doc. Piece of cake. It’s done with lasers and over in minutes. You won’t feel a thing, and you’ll be amazed at the improvement.
Holy enlightenment! The results were outstanding!
Cataract patients have the option of get- ting “near” or “far” implant lenses. (Well, yes; one of each is available, but I nixed that idea immediately. If I want whacko vision, I’ll drink heavily.)
I went the “far” route and now enjoy razor-sharp distant eyesight. Since surgery, the “worst” I’ve ever tested was 20/20. Once, I even locked in on 20/15.
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
The tradeoff, of course, comes in the closeup department.
Unless words are printed in boxcar let- ters, I can’t make them out. Thus the need to invest deeply in cheap “drugstore read- ers.” I keep ’em everywhere: bedroom, office, car, boat, you name it. Often, I wear a pair on a neck strap.
Just one problem: El-cheapo readers break easily — especially if they’re dan- gling from your neck when you lift a heavy object and reflexively pull it to your chest.
Crack-snap!
Even purchased in bulk, the cost adds up. After numerous lifting accidents, I finally trained myself to swing the strap to my back, putting the el-cheapos out of harm’s way.
A few days ago, Mary Ann and I were delivering groceries for our church’s food pantry. At one stop, I proudly demon- strated the swing-around-to-my-back tech- nique before hoisting a heavy bag. She was impressed.
She was less-than-impressed moments later when I flopped back into the car seat, forgetting to swing my glasses around to the front.
Crack-snap!
I yelled something about “sheets at the sunny beaches!” Mary Ann snickered. And I’ll bet somewhere out there in the Great Beyond, Big Sam was laughing hard enough to split his $50 britches.
Sam Venable is an author, comedic enter- tainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam. venable@outlook.com.
“Hunting dogs are very smart. They can learn to pursue any quarry. What we need to do is train hunting dogs to sniff out virtue, integrity, firm character, worthy principles, and good leadership. Then put the dogs on the campaign trail.” –P.J. O’Rourke
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