Sam Venable  

Special Contributor

Forgive me if I sniff once or twice and dab at the corners of my eyes. It’s nothing. Really. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right in a minute . . .

There. My composure is back. Everything’s OK.

These moments happen when you’re a sucker for nostalgia. You’ll be innocently daydreaming, recalling some special event from your youth. Then all of a sudden, it dawns on you that times have changed and you can never go back again. Next thing you know, you’re reaching for a hanky.

One minute ago, I was all smiles, thinking about the delightful sounds of summer. You know—the chirping of crickets, the whistling of quail, the lapping of water against a rocky bank. Then I read a press release from a major outdoor products company and grew misty-eyed because I realized silence has befallen two ancient summer sounds. If you’ve ever camped or fished or hiked or done anything outdoors, you’ve heard them.

I speak, of course, of the “fuuumph!” when fuel ignites in a Coleman lantern. And then a split-second later, the “yeeee-iiiii!” emitted by the lighter of the lantern as he/she jerks back his/her arm and tries to turn down the flame, which by now is tickling the heavens.

These hallowed sounds of the season have been heard across our country for decades. Millions of times. They’re as much a part of summer as the roar of an outboard motor. The rudiments are best taught to youngsters. An adult—usually a scout leader with singed arms—shows the kid how to fill the tank and pump the plunger and strike the match and hold it in place and turn the knob.

“Fuuumph!” goes the lantern.

“Yeeee-iiiii!” screams the kid.

“Great job, Willie!” exclaims the scoutmaster. “Keep up the good work and you’ll make Eagle before you know it! With a little luck, the hairs on your arm will grow back out, too!”

Any kids lucky enough to receive this education will never forget it. Twenty-five years later, it’s still branded onto their brains. To wit:

“Ain’t it nifty out here on the lake, Gladys?” Victor Vacationer says, snuggling up to his sweetie. “Nothing but us and the chirping crickets and the lapping water and . . .”

“Fuuumph! Yeeee-iiiii!”

“Yeah, and Willie Smith firing up his lanterns over at the next campsite,” says Gladys. “Did’ja ever notice how his arms ain’t got no hair?”

Oh, well. Enough of fond memories. Coleman giveth “fuuumph! yeeee-iiiii!” and Coleman taketh “fuuumph! yeeee-iiiii!” away. The Kansas company, which has cranked out more than 40 million camping lanterns down through the years, has just introduced an electronic ignition system. All you do is push a button and the hateful thing lights itself.

Presto! Just like that. No “fuuumph!” No “yeeee-iiiii!” All you have are two mantles aglow in brilliant white light. How utterly boring.

This transition won’t be immediate, of course. Extinction takes time. At this point, said a Coleman spokesman, electronic ignition is available only on propane lanterns. But that’s no consolation. Now that technology has reared its ugly head, it’s only a matter of time before some yuppie engineer discovers a way to wed electronic ignition to the standard-fuel lantern.

And then an era of Americana will be gone, just like the buffalo. Next thing you know, we’ll be sitting around fiberglass campfires, sprinkling ashes on our hot dogs from little plastic bags and listening to owls on tape.

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at mahv@outlook.com.