“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

The Christmas and Thanks-giving holiday season here in Varmint County was mercifully, uneventful. Lower Primroy’s Christmas parade went off without a hitch, with new county mayor Gabby Aslinger serving as Grand Marshal.

Gabby and the other newly elected women on the county commission all rode together on a float sporting both a sleigh and a mock kitchen. The girls dressed in Santa suits and packed into the sleigh while Archie Aslinger, dressed as Santa and sporting a fake beard, wore an apron and labored over the fake cookstove.

Folks got the message: It’s a new day in Varmint County and the women are driving the sleigh. Of course, a few men folk didn’t take kindly to the message and the girls found some of the candy they were tossing to the crowd being fired back at them. 

Gabby just laughed it off, noting, “I guess some of those fellas are still eating crow and aren’t in the mood for candy.”

Although intended as a jest in lighthearted holiday spirit, the float underscored some feelings not at all in line with “peace on earth and good will toward men.” 

Having a woman chairing the county commission, a woman representing Varmint County down at the state legislature and three more women serving on commission is a bit more than some of the county’s manly men folk can stand, and rumblings are already starting down at Smiley’s and on the courthouse bench about who might run for office in the next election.

These rumblings grew louder last week when Gabby kicked off her signature campaign pledge, to “put an end to cronyism, nepotism and good old boy-ism” in county government. This, of course, would be a dagger in the heart of Varmint County’s culture and does not promise to be an easy road.

The new mayor kicked off her efforts by meeting, one by one, with all of the county’s elected courthouse officials, following the sage advice of Doc Filstrup to “test the waters before jumping in with both feet.”

Typical of the meetings was the one with County Clerk Horace McSwine.

“Horace, we need to pass an ordinance limiting the hiring of family members for county jobs. I know your entire family is working in your office so that would put you in a tough spot, but I want to know your true feelings on the matter,” Gabby began.

“Gabby, you know I’ve got my wife, three kids and a daughter-in-law working as assistants. I’ve got to oppose anything you want to do about that.”

“What if the ordinance exempted current employees? Your family would be protected under the grandfather clause as long as you remain in office.”

“What if I got beat and then ran and got re-elected later. They wouldn’t be protected then.”

“No, but do you really expect to lose an election? You’ve been at this job for seventeen years.”

“I know, and as far as I’m concerned, Gabby, I think officials should be barred from hiring family. I would never have hired my wife Bernice if I had anything to say about it, but she threatened to make me sleep in the barn with the hogs until I agreed to hire her.”

“But you make a comfortable salary by yourself, Horace. Why did Bernice insist on working too?”

“She weren’t at all comfortable with me working down here at the courthouse with all those pretty young assistant clerks. Remember all the pretty young girls that old Rufus Pennywell had working in here when he retired? Well, Bernice decided she needed to be here to keep an eye on me.”

“But what about your three kids, your son’s wife and your mother-in-law? It didn’t take all of them to keep an eye on you,” Gabby asked, chuckling at the thought of Bernice worrying about young assistants flirting with her husband. If ugly was water, Horace McSwine would be the Pacific Ocean.

“I guess Bernice still didn’t trust me, even with her being right here in the office watching me. Every time one of my assistants moved on, took another job or got married and quit, she made me replace ’em with one of the kids.”

“I guess the question I’ve got is, if I propose this ordinance, how hard will you fight it?”

“Well, publicly I’ll tell everyone I’m against it. Privately, I’ll tell the squires I don’t have a problem with it as long as my beloved Bernice, who is my right arm, is exempted.”

“That’s about alI I can ask for. Thanks.” Gabby smiled.

“Oh, and secretly, to my closest friends on commission, I’ll beg ’em to pass the nepotism policy and make it retroactive for the past twenty years, so Bernice will have to go back home. But I never said that, Gabby!”

Gabby then moved on to meet with Sheriff Hiram Potts.

“Hiram, I know you don’t hire your family members as deputies, but some of your senior officers have children who are also on the payroll. Would that be a problem?”

“Gabby, some families have law enforcement in their blood, just like some families are third and fourth generation criminals. But a nepotism policy wouldn’t bother me. I tend to assign fathers and sons to different shifts so relatives don’t supervise each other.”

“What about your chief deputy, your wife Stephanie?”

“Stephanie is the daughter of my old boss, Sheriff Smoky T. Bandit. I hired her after I beat her in the election for sheriff when her daddy retired, and then I hired her as chief deputy because she’s good at her job. You recall we weren’t even dating when I hired her.”

“Yeah, you fell in love and got married a year or so after the election.”

“Stephanie would probably not object if you passed an ordinance that forced her to step down as my employee, but I sure would object. Why, she’s the best chief deputy the county’s ever had!”

“But you were her daddy’s chief deputy.”

“Like I said, she’s the best ever. Besides,” Hiram added, “if she has to leave the force, Stephanie might decide to run against me in the next election. I might not be able to beat her again. If you want my support, you’ll have to exempt the employees already working for the county.”

“Stephanie wouldn’t run against her own husband, surely.”

“Gabby, you were her basketball coach in high school. What do you think?”

Gabby recalled the time that Stephanie Bandit, a beautiful and athletic young girl, was elected basketball homecoming queen. She accepted the crown at halftime wearing a big shiner under her left eye and a bandaged lip after getting into a brawl during the first three minutes of the homecoming game against Burrville. “Yeah, I guess maybe she would run against you,” Gabby concluded.

On the way to her next meeting, Gabby ran into County Attorney Philbert McSwine.

“So, how are your meetings with the courthouse crowd working out?” Philbert asked with a caustic tone in his voice.

“So far, so good, Philbert.”

“You know I’m going to oppose that ordinance, don’t you. I’m not even sure it’s legal, I might challenge it in court if it passes.”

“Philbert, you’re the county attorney. You can’t sue your own employer and besides, what have you got against a nepotism ordinance? Your employees all work for your private law firm, not the county. They wouldn’t be affected at all.”

“My ex-wife Julie Ann. Is she in favor of this policy?”

“Yes, she’s supporting it completely.”

“Then I’m opposing it completely.”

Later that day, Gabby dropped in to visit Doc Filstrup.

“I took your advice and talked to all the courthouse officials about an anti-nepotism policy,” Gabby reported.

“And?” Doc asked.

“It’s goin’ to be every bit as hard as I feared. I might be able to get something passed that exempts current office holders, but I’m not even sure of that. Philbert McSwine even threatened to appeal the policy in court.”

“Philbert’s against it?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well then my dear, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Most squires will vote for it just to spite Philbert,” Doc laughed.