“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Ah, yes. There’s nothing like a small town 4th of July celebration. And when the small town is Lower Primroy in Varmint County, that is an extreme understatement.

The day begins innocently enough, as Colonel Hugh Ray Jass kicks off the day by firing off the Civil War cannon residing on his front lawn, the same one that his Granddaddy Cornelius Jass used to fire to celebrate Thanksgiving, which old Cornelius referred to as “Mr Lincoln’s holiday.”

Hugh Ray only uses a powder charge nowadays, as the last time he actually loaded a cannonball in the barrel, his aim was off and the ball took out the back end of the Varmint County Savings & Loan at the bottom of the hill.

The cannon shot is a signal to begin the day’s festivities, commencing with a prayer breakfast sponsored by the Church of Heavenly Light in the Savior’s Name. After gorging on eggs, pancakes, country gravy and hog cracklins, the crowd slowly finds it’s way down to the Varmint County Fairgrounds for a series of sack races, greased pig chases, greased pole climbs and other competitive activities that last until noon.

Along the fringes, youngsters enjoy the more modern touches, bouncing around in inflated air chambers, trying their luck at the dart and baloon toss, the ring toss and air gun target shoots for a variety of prizes. The Veterans of Foreign Wars’ Post 307 ½ sponsors their annual bingo game for the older generation (The members of VFW Post 307 got in a feud a few years back and half of them broke off and formed a separate post, hence the one-half designation).

At noon, the members of the notorious Haig Clan come down out of Haig Hollow and the members of the Hockmeyer Clan wander in from Stinking Creek. The clans’ womenfolk lay out a sumptuous community feast for everybody in Varmint County, table after table of fresh garden vegetables, smoked hams, blueberry cobblers and every other conceivable artery-clogging, blood sugar-spiking treat known to man.

The elders of the clans, Elijah Haig and Caleb Hockmeyer, take their seats of honor on the front row of the bleachers while the Hockmeyers raise the Stars & Stripes on one side of the football field and the Haigs raise the Stars & Bars of the old Confederacy on the opposite end.

Granny Haig, who is somewhere between 100 and 120 years old depending on who you ask, steps to the microphone and proclaims, “Gentlemen, the war between the states is hereby renewed!”With this, all the young Haigs and Hockmeyers between the ages of 15 and 45 rush to the middle of the field for a punching, biting, clawing free-for-all that lasts until only one side is left standing.

Actually, there are usually only one or two young men from the winning side left standing, as the majority of the participants are hobbled, crippled or unconscious at the end.

This may seem a barbarous way to celebrate Independence Day, but it is a significant step toward civility, seeing as how until a few decades ago, the two clans battled it out with loaded guns, knives and bullwhips.

After young Haigs and Hockmeyers fought side-by-side in World Ward II, Korea and Vietnam, the elders decided it was time to end the century-old family feud, but keep the competitive tradition alive each year on July 4th.

Following the brawl, everyone gathers for the feast and several hours of Bluegrass, gospel and country music until it is time for the Lower Primroy Volunteer Fire Department, led by Chief Stanley the Torch Aslinger, to set off the fireworks show.

It is not a purely honorary duty that the fire department be present, as they usually need to extinguish a few blazes here and there caused by wayward rockets.

Still, it is without doubt one of the finest fireworks displays in the whole state, and roughly 10,000 people crowd into Varmint County from neighboring Burr County, Mud lake and three neighboring states to watch the show.

Stanley Aslinger was an explosives expert with the Army Rangers in Viet Nam, where he was once credited with blowing up an entire province.

Other communities use rockets, sparklers and noise-makers. Stanley uses those, along with Haig “Spring Run” moonshine and napalm. The explosions can be seen in Virginia and North Carolina and heard as far as Cincinnati.

As usual, this being an election year, candidates for various offices wander about, working the crowd. State Representative Abrigail “Toony” Pyles hands out her homemade brownies while her cousin Camilla Clotfelter, reputed to be a witch, reads palms.

County Mayor Clyde Filstrup Junior, who is also the county’s resident mortician, distributes calendars printed with “Vote for Clyde, the last one to let you down!”

This year the political scene has been cause for quite a buzz among the population, as the women of Varmint County have decided that it’s time to break up the good ol’ boy network that has been running the county for years in the privacy of Doc Filstrup’s weekly poker games.

My boss, War Whoop & Exterminator Publisher Virginia Hamm, organized the women into a semblance of a political movement, nicknaming themselves the “Jones Girls” after the infamous old-time union organizer Mother Jones.They tried to convince former Lady Viper basketball star Penny Haig to run for office but Penny declined.

Instead, after long consideration, basketball coach Gabby Aslinger decided to retire from coaching and run for Clyde’s office as county mayor. Penny, who graduates from college this summer, has agreed to return to Varmint County and take the job of coaching the girls’ basketball team.

“I’ve always dreamed of coaching, and this way I can coach the Lady Vipers during my little sister Cloe’s last season on the team,” Penny announced.

“Also, I’d much rather get out and work to get Gabby elected than run for office myself.

I ain’t a politician,” Penny told Virginia Hamm and Matilda Filstrup.“

Well, I promised to work for any woman running for office and that includes any woman who runs against my husband,” Matilda announced. “I’ve agreed to serve as Gabby’s campaign treasurer.”

“Turncoat! How can you do this to your own husband?” Clyde screamed as he walked past the knot of women while handing out calendars.

“Zip it, Clyde. I’m still cooking your meals, washing your clothes and raising your daughters while you play politician. One more word out of you and you can sleep down at the mortuary until after the election.”

The other major local office that is on the ballot has attracted no female candidates. Road Superintendent Peavy Perkins, who was indicted in May for operating a chop shop and car theft ring out of the county garage, was forced to resign with two years left in his term. Among those vying for the office are County Commissioner Wilbur “Buck” Snort from Pleasant View, Archie Aslinger’s cousin Curly, and Arlie Hockmeyer, who runs Arlie’s Wrecker Service.

Arlie’s candidacy is somewhat in question, since he also faces a grand jury inquiry into his notorious two-county car chase with the law back in April.

Arlie accidentally hooked his wrecker’s tow chain under the bumper of a pursuing state trooper vehicle and towed the hapless cop, at high speed, for twelve miles before slinging the car through the bay doors of Lower Primroy Fire Station # 2.

Arlie was charged with reckless endangerment, but also faces possible indictments for attempted manslaughter, assault on an officer, creating a nuisance and possession of ten kilos of marijuana.

Most political observers agree that if the grand jury indicts him, Arlie probably doesn’t stand much of a chance of being elected.

“They found the marijuana on the roadside but can’t prove it came from Arlie’s vehicle, while he claims that hooking that trooper’s car was an accident.

If the grand jury fails to hand down an indictment, I’d give Arlie an even chance of winning,” Judge Hard Time Harwell told Doc Filstrup.

“Yeah, considering the past few road superintendents we’ve had, a simple charge of reckless endangerment is a step up,” Doc agreed.