Slippery Rock Gazette

The Slippery Rock Funny Page 

Cartoons by Mark Anderson

Move over Bitcoin, there’s a new alternative currency on the market: Methamphetamines.

While it’s certainly easier to get ahold of than Bitcoin, it’s accepted at even fewer locations as payment than the cryptocurrency. (Hard to believe, I know.) But not even Burger King will take meth, as Colorado man Eugene Robertson found out when he tried to pay for his order with a small baggie. When the employee informed him that meth is not in fact a suitable currency, Robertson pulled a gun.

The Burger employee still declined, so Robertson left.

“I can’t imagine how traumatized these victims were not knowing whether the defendant would pull the trigger while pointing a gun at them,” 18th District Attorney John Kellner said in an April 18 news release. “I commend the Aurora Police Department for quickly apprehending this dangerous defendant and ending his crime spree.”

Crime spree? Oh yes, this story is far from over.

After leaving the Burger King, Robertson drove to a 7/11 to try his new currency there.

Unfortunately, he had left his preferred payment type behind at the Burger King, so this time he went straight to the gun, which is arguably more widely accepted.

But not at this 7/11, as there was someone else at the gas station with a gun, so they shot at each other for a while.

Nobody got injured or killed, except a poor security TV.

Apparently bored at this point, Robertson eventually went home, where police finally caught up with him because he went over to his neighbor’s apartment and (you guessed it) shot at her front door and sliding door when she wouldn’t let him inside.

Again, no one was injured, even though there were multiple people inside.

When the police showed up, one of them fired at the armed Robertson… but also missed.

Miraculously, the night ended with no one getting hurt and Robertson being arrested.

The police report said, and I quote, “During his arrest, Eugene said he was not physically hurt, but his ‘feelings were hurt,’” the affidavit said.

His feelings!!!

I think when he gets released without bail (it is Colorado, folks), Robertson and everyone involved in this ridiculous tale should look into new careers.

A Texas man reclaimed his Guinness World Records title by going skydiving at the age of 106 years and 327 days old.

Alfred “Al” Blaschke originally earned the title of the oldest person to tandem skydive when he jumped out of a plane at the age of 103 in 2020, but his record was broken by Swedish woman Rut Linnéa Ingegärd Larsson, who was 103 years and 259 days old when she went skydiving.

Blaschke recaptured his title by going skydiving at the age of 106 years and 327 days old. He was joined by Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who made his first jump.

“If you think you can’t, you’re just underestimating yourself. Everyone is more capable than they think. They just need to make the decision to try,” Blaschke told Guinness World Records.

The East Japan Railroad Co. officials said about 2,700 passengers experienced delays when a snake was spotted aboard a commuter train.

The company said a passenger on a JR Yamanote Line train in Tokyo informed personnel at Shibuya Station on Sunday that a snake had been spotted in the eighth car of the 11-car train.

The train was stopped at Komagome Station and passengers were evacuated so staff could search for the stowaway serpent.

The snake was not located and the train was returned to service after about 15 minutes, but passengers were kept out of the car where the sighting was reported.

The train made its last stop at Osaki Station and was then taken to a maintenance center in Shinagawa Ward to be thoroughly searched.

An employee found the nearly 8-inch snake coiled up under a seat in the car.

The animal was turned over to police, who identified it as a young, non-venomous Japanese rat snake. Officials said the snake would be released in the wild.

A Chinese zoo is being criticized online after visitors complained the animals in a “panda” exhibit aren’t bears at all -- they’re painted chow chow dogs.

Visitors to the Taizhou Zoo in Jiangsu Province said they were surprised to discover the so-called “panda dogs” that went on display May 1 are dogs with their fur trimmed and dyed to closely resemble the iconic Chinese bears.

A zoo spokesman explained the zoo put the dogs on display because it does not have any resident pandas, but he denied the fur dying process was in any way dangerous or harmful to the canines.

A zoo employee told state-run media outlet The Global Times that the “panda dogs” aren’t meant to be deceptive, as a small sign posted at the enclosure explains they are chow chows in disguise.