Not Exactly Taking a Bite Out of Crime
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
My definition of “food fight” has changed.
I always thought it was akin to the cafeteria scene in the hit movie “Animal House.”
In fact, assuming (a) the statute of limitations has expired and (b) my grandchildren are gaming on social media and not reading this drivel, I might even confess to occasionally flinging a morsel or three at the Sigma Chi fraternity house during the mid-1960s.
But after hearing about a culinary altercation in Alabama, I realized my perspective on this issue was older than a Pontiac GTO.
In the first place, the word “fight” is now literal.
In the second place, the armament has escalated from a handful of mashed potatoes to potentially lethal weapons.
This incident occurred at the Meteor Buffet in Huntsville. According to police and media reports, hostilities broke out when some patrons cut line.
It seems a number of customers had been waiting 15 minutes for the arrival of crab legs, the eatery’s signature dish, along with fish, shrimp and other seafood.
When the pièce de résistance did show up, apparently a disagreement quickly ensued over whose turn it was to serve their plate, or how much to take, or both. And before you could say, “please pass the tartar sauce,” a full-fledged melee erupted.
Huntsville police officer Gerald Johnson was eating at the restaurant when the brawl began. He heard metal clashing and glass breaking and turned around to discover “there’s a woman who’s beating a man, people are moving around, plates are shattering everywhere.”
Some customers were fiercely dueling with metal tongs — “like a fencing match,” Johnson told a Huntsville television station.
Two diners were arrested: one for disorderly conduct, the other for third-degree assault.
Wow! Think how this could revolutionize menu selection! Instead of considering taste or caloric intake, it might be safer to make your choice based on its potential for self-defense.
Imagine this waiter-customer exchange:
“Our roast beef is particularly good today. It’s tender and juicy.”
“Nah, too wimpy. I need something with more substance.”
“Then how about our clam chowder? It’s Chef Pierre’s personal recipe, made with only the freshest ingredients.”
“How hot is it? And I don’t mean seasoning.”
“Chef insists it be served right off the stove, in a heated bowl.”
“Hmm, maybe. Then again, that bowl might be too hot to handle and throw effectively. Besides, it just gives me one shot. What if I need backup?”
“Then may I suggest beef kabobs with a side of grilled shrimp?”
“Perfect! Just be sure they’re served on sharp, strong metal skewers.”
Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.