Sweet Cornbread Prejudice is Gone in a Jiffy
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
Please forgive the post-meal smirk on my face, also the toothpick between my lips. We of redneck ilk enjoy our toothpicks in much the same manner that smokers savor their post-meal cigarettes, the occasional ingested splinter notwithstanding. Beats lung cancer any day.
In any event, my euphoria goes beyond food. It’s an emotional victory as well. After being labeled a traitor, I have been vindicated.
So has sweet cornbread.
Several times through the decades, I’ve expressed my disdain for “traditional” Southern Appalachian cornbread.
By that I mean those dry, coarsely textured chunks of cornmeal mortar, the crumbs of which invariably lodge in the back of one’s throat. Unless flushed with buttermilk, tea, water, coffee, moonshine or any other readily available potable, these particles unfailingly spark spasms of coughing so intense it’s not uncommon for toothpick missiles to be launched into space.
I much prefer cornbread of a sweeter, smoother variety. Like, say, cornbread from a Jiffy mix.
(We now pause to give the audience ample time to gasp, cover the ears of children and spew invective that questions my Southern Appalachian lineage. Go ahead. I’m used to it.)
“That’s not cornbread! It’s cake! You’re no son of these mountains! You’re nothing but a &%$!-ing Yankee (rhymes with elbow.)”
Even my dear bride of 52 years and counting, an otherwise gentle and loving woman whose country cooking roots extend deep into the cast-iron skilletry of Union County, has threatened legal action at my very mention of the words “Jiffy mix.”
But now, a respected Southern journal and a heralded Southern chef have intervened on behalf of sweetness.
Allow me to quote from Garden & Gun magazine’s interview with Kelly Fields, a New Orleans pastry virtuoso, James Beard Award winner, and author of “The Good Book of Southern Baking.”
“Jiffy cornbread is what I grew up with. There’s so much science in that. They figured out how to do cornbread, and the reality is, that’s all a lot of people have time for.
“If you’re short on time or gumption and want delicious cornbread immediately, here are some of my ideas for making it special when you aren’t making it from scratch. Start with one (8½-ounce) box of Jiffy corn muffin mix. Just follow the package instructions, using egg and milk, unless instructed otherwise.”
She even offered ways to spike your Jiffy cornbread with a variety of extras, including roasted red bell peppers, roasted pimentos, jalapenos, cheese, whatever.
Chef Fields, I can’t thank you enough for restoring my hillbilly cred.
The rest of y’all can pucker up and kiss my grits.
Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.