Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

After observing Christmas festivities since Bing Crosby first dreamed of snow, I’ve decided there are five official methods for ending the season:

1. The Premature Depreciation.

2. The Guillotine Quickie.

3. The Good Book Rulebook.

4. The Cold Molasses Stupor.

5. The Meh-Whatever.

People in retail sales adhere to Official Method Number One. No later than the first of December —often well before Thanksgiving —Christmas is a distant memory for them. Their sights are already set on Valentine’s Day. While you’re sipping eggnog, they’re sniffing roses.

Doesn’t matter what type of product they’re selling, either. Cars to clothing, candy to condos, they slash prices like a machete through cardboard. The pace escalates quickly.

Ads begin with “Save Up To 50 percent!” followed in rapid succession by “75 Percent Off!” then “One Dime Over Cost!” And when all else fails, “What Th’Hell, Folks! We’ll Pay YOU To Take This Junk Off Our Hands!”

Number Two is the purview of radio stations that play Christmas music 24/7 between Halloween and Christmas Day. When the last Snickers plops into a trick-or-treat bag, the first needle drops on drummer boys, talking snowmen, rooftop reindeer, jingling bells, harmonizing chipmunks and Santa-kissing mamas.

Until midnight on December 25, that is. Then, whack! Off with their heads! Now, back to our regular programming.

Number Three is the polar opposite of Number Two. It’s for folks who religiously follow the Twelve Days of Christmas agenda.

For them, the celebration doesn’t even begin until Christmas Day. It doesn’t end until three Magi deliver the goods on Epiphany. Only then is it permissible to go thee and taketh down thy wreath and nativity set.

Number Four is dedicated to procrastinators who’ll get around to packing decorations and tossing the tree “one of these days.” They move at the speed of anesthetized koalas. By the time household order is finally restored (on or around Memorial Day), brown balsam needles are ankle-deep on the floor.

Don’t worry. They’ll get vacuumed one of these days.

Yet followers of Number Five trump ’em all.

From the Fourth of July to beyond Labor Day, they occasionally think, “Ya’know, I really oughta drag this Christmas stuff back to the attic.”

But about that time, October 31 rolls around. And boom, just like that, Brenda Lee starts rockin’ around the Christmas tree. What kind of Grinch would want to spoil Halloween?

Oh, and let’s have Almond Joys instead of Snickers this year. 


Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).”  He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.