Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

Every so often, I get one of those “high-importance” emails, complete with a red exclamation point, from the goobers in charge of technology at our office. The exact wording varies, but their ominous message is always the same:

1. Never reveal your password to anyone!

2. Change your password on a regular basis to prevent it from being compromised!

Frankly, the second message makes no sense because we have a built-in security system that demands a new password on a regular schedule. I think it’s a 90-day cycle. But don’t hold me to that because I’d have to remember the password needed to access our security system guidelines, and I’ve long-since forgotten what it is.

All of which highlights one of the more stupid aspects of the allegedly advanced era in which we live: People are supposed to memorize dozens of different passwords for dozens of different programs. And all these passwords require frequent changing.

You gotta have a computer password. An email password. A pharmacy password. A bank account password. A charge card password. A health insurance password. Password here, password there, here a password, there a password, everywhere a %#&#%! password.

What began as an innocent, easy-to-remember system for privacy has morphed into a monster. We’ve become a nation of technological slaves, shackled to a cyber chain every bit as cumbersome and unwieldy as those basketball-sized key rings custodians carry on their belts.

Oh, and before I’m inundated with sales phone calls and sales emails: Yes, I know there are online password memory and protection programs, available for a small (insert laugh here)fee. But they also require a password, which makes about as much sense as hiding the key to your house inside a special lock box that also requires a key.

Not long ago, my wife Mary Ann and I consolidated some of our mega-passwords into a single one only she and I understand. This has worked with some success—and I realize every cyber security guard who just read those words has broken out in hives and is now breathing in fits and jerks: You’ve done what?! What if someone cracks your code? Run! The sky is falling! Aaaa-iii-eee!”

But eventually even our simple system needed tweaking. That’s because the required password updates for different accounts came on a staggered schedule. Thus, when we changed a letter or a number, we had to make certain the other person knew. So we did what any rational couple would do when they realized the rest of world had gone completely mad.

We wrote everything down on a piece of real paper with a real pen.

Now, if we only had a password to remind us where we hid that %#&#%! piece of paper.

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.