Fifty Shades of Yellow
Every January, I’m reminded of Navin Johnson and his great literary “discovery.” Navin, of course, was the central character in the hilarious 1979 movie, The Jerk. His role was played by an equally hilarious actor, Steve Martin. The scene I’m talking about occurs when Navin runs into his house, clutching a telephone directory.
“The new phone book’s here!” he shouts. “The new phone book’s here!”
When another character questions how somebody could get so excited over nothing, Navin isn’t fazed: “Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73—‘Johnson, Navin R.’ I’m somebody now! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that makes people! I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now!”
If I published phone books, I’d try to buy the rights to this piece of movie script and use it in my advertising. That way, I could show customers how important it is to be seen in print. Maybe I could sell ’em super-sized type for their listing, or even a personalized photo.
Another thing I’d do is change colors in the business section.
Right now, these come in one hue—yellow—and it has led to a commercial tug-of-war for our affections. My latest inventory includes The Real Yellow Pages, along with its smaller cousin, The Real Yellow Pages Companion, plus the Yellow Book.
Why doesn’t someone get innovative and issue The Lime Green Pages for a change? Or The Chartreuse Pages? Maybe The Pink Pages. For Pete’s sake, The Big Orange Pages oughta go like proverbial hotcakes in East Tennessee.
Nope. Just as Henry Ford only offered his Model T in black, we’re stuck in commercial-page monotone. Yellow.
Color aside, these books stack up quite differently against each other. Literally.
Compressed, my copy of The Real Yellow Pages measures an inch and three-quarters in thickness. The diminutive Companion is a mere half-inch. Hefty ol’ Yellow Book is two and a quarter.
At this point, I’m keeping all three—even though I don’t have room for them in my phone-book drawer. Perhaps I’ll pit them against each other over the next few weeks, like basketball playoffs, and see which stays and which winds up in the recycle pile.
Then again, maybe not. Both The Real Yellow Pages and The Real Yellow Pages Companion have a dire warning on the cover: “Do Not Discard Before December.”
Huh? Is there a law against getting rid of a phone book ahead of schedule? Will the phone police come calling? Or—gasp!—will an angry Ma Bell show up at my door, hickory switch in hand?
But at least there’s one cover warning I don’t have to worry about violating. It’s on the front of The Real Yellow Pages Companion. I quote: “Caution! Please do not use this directory while operating a moving vehicle!”
Good grief. What do these people think I am, stupid or something? I’d never try to read a phone book while driving.
I’m always too busy running my electric razor or dialing the cellphone.
Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.