Boomer Winfrey 

Varmint Co. Correspondent

Elijah Haig looked up from his morning newspaper and smiled at his granddaughter. “Penny, you’ve always trusted my instincts, why question me now?”

“Papaw, it’s not your instincts I doubt, it’s my sister’s. Chloe has no business running a tavern; she’s hotheaded and she’s 5’5” in high heels, weighs 135 pounds soaking wet. She’s no match for some of those drunks that hang out at the Dead Rat!”

“Well, Chloe wanted a chance and with Corky gone, you two granddaughters are all I have left since your paw got killed. I don’t trust any of my nephews to run a business,” Elijah sighed. “You’ve got your career now, coaching the Lady Vipers basketball team and teaching. Chloe was a great player, but you know she’s never been much for school work. She hated college from the git-go.”

“But running a bar is different, especially the Dead Rat Tavern. It’s always been a good ole boy’s world. No respectable women would be caught dead in there and dern few disrespectable women either.”

“Maybe you should go down there tonight and see how Chloe is handling those roughneck peckerwoods for yourself, Penny. You might be surprised,” Elijah suggested.

Chloe’s Granddad Elijah Haig worried that she wasn’t up to the task of handling the rough and disorderly crowd that frequented the Dead Rat. But he didn’t add Beer Barrel the bear into the equation.

Chloe’s Granddad Elijah Haig worried that she wasn’t up to the task of handling the rough and disorderly crowd that frequented the Dead Rat. But he didn’t add Beer Barrel the bear into the equation.
Dead Rat tavern patrons were going to find out, one way or another: whether you’re naughty or nice – you mess with Chloe, you answer to the Bear.

Dead Rat tavern patrons were going to find out, one way or another: whether you’re naughty or nice – you mess with Chloe, you answer to the Bear.

So Penny Haig did wander down to the Dead Rat on Chloe’s first Friday night, hoping to talk some sense into her sister or at least be around in case she needed to save Chloe’s life. A teetotaler, Penny ordered a root beer and settled into a corner table to quietly watch her kid sister try to control a roomful of drunks.

“Gentlemen, tonight is the first night of our annual Toys for Tots campaign here at the Dead Rat,” Chloe announced, standing on the bar to be heard above the din. “We’ll be signing you up for the dart tournament, which starts tomorrow night. It only costs ten bucks to enter, with plenty of prizes. Also, this year we’re gonna have something new – a ladies’ night, right here at the Dead Rat, next Friday. There will be a band and a cover charge, but ladies get in free. All proceeds go to Toys for Tots.”

Chloe then dismounted the bar and strutted over to her sister’s table. “Penny, you don’t drink and most of the fellas in here aren’t your type, so why do I have this suspicion that you’re here watching me?”

“That’s true, sis. Grandpa suggested I come down and satisfy myself that you can handle this place without getting killed.”

“Well?” 

“The ladies night is a nice touch, I admit, and a band. But the night’s still young and these guys are mostly still sober. I think you’re crazy wanting this job and it’s just a matter of time before you get hurt,” Penny predicted.

“Ah, sis, so little faith. I can handle myself and besides, I’ve got my bodyguard, B.B.”

“You mean that alcoholic bear, Beer Barrel? He’s just as likely to tear this place up as to protect you.”

“Not so,” Chloe argued. “B.B. isn’t an alcoholic. I’ve limited the patrons to feeding him six beers a night, and he doesn’t even get a good buzz on six beers. Besides, Beer Barrel and I have a special bond. He was afraid of Uncle Corky, but he really likes me.”

Chloe went back to tending bar while Penny settled in to wait, nursing her soda and a plate of onion rings while fending off half a dozen drunken Romeos.

Around 11 o’clock, it happened. Howard “Critter” McCabe and Piney Hockmeyer got into a fight over a pool game. Critter broke a cue over Piney’s head and slammed him into the just-repaired jukebox.

“That’s enough, boys. Critter, you know my rules. Take your fightin’ outside,” Chloe proclaimed.

“Whatta ya gonna do about it, little lady. You gonna throw me out?” Critter laughed, his 6-foot,  4-inch frame towering over Chloe.

Chloe didn’t say a word, just hauled off and kicked upwards really hard like Critter was a football and she was punting. The big drunk bent over, cursing, and screamed, “You b**, I’m gonna flush you down the commode for that.”

“B.B., hug!” Chloe yelled out. Suddenly Critter McCabe felt two very large, hairy arms wrap around him from behind as 400-pound Beer Barrel grabbed him in a bear hug and squeezed.

“B.B., take out the trash!” Chloe commanded.

Beer Barrel dragged a breathless Critter McCabe along the floor to the front door and dropped him outside, adding a roar and a flash of very large, sharp teeth as a final statement. The bear then turned and waddled back inside to curl up at Chloe’s feet, where she began to rub him between his ears.

“Very good, B.B. I’m going to give you one of Granny Haig’s apple tarts for being such a good boy.” 

Chloe then walked over to her sister’s table, the bear following behind like an overgrown puppy.

“Told you I can take care of myself. Besides, I’ve got a little help,” Chloe beamed. “B.B. here is really a sweetheart when he’s treated with a little kindness.” 

“So that’s it, huh? You and the bear are going to turn the Dead Rat into some kind of respectable place?”

“That’s the plan. Wait ’til you see our Toys for Tots party, before Christmas. We’re going to invite kids over for a big party and cut off the alcohol sales until after 10:00. Some of the guys have agreed to dress up as elves to give out toys, and I’m training Beer Barrel – I’m gonna dress him up as Santa Claus!”