Varmint County: Filstrup Makes His Campaign a Battle of the Sexes, But He Should’ a Done the Math
Boomer Winfrey
Varmint County Correspondent
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Clyde Filstrup, Junior, hoping to make a big splash in the August local elections by riding on Trump’s coattails, appealed to the vanity of Varmint County male voters to “return men to their rightful place running the county government.” |
When last we left you, dear reader, Clyde Filstrup Junior, in a desperate attempt to reclaim the Varmint County mayor’s office, had decided to campaign on the coattails of Donald Trump. Clyde figured that since he lost the election to Gabby Aslinger four years ago, thanks to a large female voter turnout, the Donald might encourage the local males to get out of their bass boats, bars and pool halls long enough to cast a ballot and “return men to their rightful place running the county.”
Of course, one small problem Clyde overlooked is that the presidential election is in November while the local county election was held in early August. Clyde tried to bridge the election gap by challenging Toony Pyles, Varmint County’s colorful state representative, to a debate in July, Clyde arguing for the Donald while Toony took Hillary Clinton’s side.
Toony eagerly accepted the challenge, and a couple of weeks before the August election the two faced off down at the Varmint County High School gym. The whole thing was broadcast across the county on WVMT, Varmint County’s “Only voice for gospel music and full sports coverage.”
Clyde’s first inclination that things might not go well was when he noticed that seven out of ten folks attending the debate were women.
“Donald Trump has pledged to make America great again and I want to make Varmint County great again. He will revive coal mining, stop all these illegal aliens from taking our jobs and put a stop to all this lawlessness and terrorism,” Clyde led off in his opening remarks.
“Exactly how many illegal aliens have taken jobs in Varmint County, Clyde? Let’s get down to brass tacks: the only Mexicans around here own the restaurant and hire several local people to work alongside their family members. And as for coal mining, the last mine that shut down around here was that strip job over on the backside of McCracken’s Peak. They employed eight heavy equipment operators and a handful of truck drivers, all of them from over in Burr County,” Toony shot back.
“It’s not just about our county, Miss Pyles, We’ve got to look at the big picture and what is going on in other parts of the country.”
“Ever heard that old phrase that all politics is local, Clyde? It is just about our county, and you wouldn’t care a whit for Donald Trump or any other New York billionaire if you didn’t hope that somehow supporting him will help you win the county mayor’s office back,” Toony snorted.
Clyde took the bait, and from that point on, the debate was about Clyde Filstrup and Gabby Aslinger, Trump and Clinton cast aside and forgotten.
“We can make Varmint County great again. Men are out of work, crime is up and folks don’t have any pride in their government anymore. I want to change that,” Clyde blurted.
“Men are out of work because many of them don’t want to work, Clyde. Have you noticed how long that ‘Help Wanted’ ad has been in the local paper for a delivery driver for Mama Caprizzi’s Pizzeria? Stanley Aslinger has been looking for a mechanic to service the Lower Primroy Volunteer Fire Department’s vehicles for three months, and the sole applicant was seventeen-year-old Curley Stooksbury, whose only experience was helping change oil and clean windshields at his daddy’s Jiffy Lube & Quick Stop BBQ.
“Stanley told me he just hired a mechanic last week,” Clyde shot back with a victorious grin.
“He did, indeed. He hired a woman, Sally Ann Mayfield, who took some mechanic courses over at the technical college in Burrville and has been learning how to service engines down at her brother’s garage.”
The largely female audience erupted in laughter as Clyde turned red and stammered for a comeback. Toony didn’t give him the chance.
“Clyde, we’ve all heard you talk about making Varmint County great again, but we’ve also heard what you’re saying in the taverns and pool halls, which is ‘make Varmint County male again.’ That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? Hand control of the courthouse back to the good ol’ boys?”
“Men have led this county for nearly two centuries, and we’ve done a pretty good job of it. Men own most of the businesses, farms and land and pay most of the taxes. Why shouldn’t they make the decisions that effect their property?” Clyde argued.
“Really? Let’s look at that claim for a moment. Do you know what the life expectancy of the average Varmint County male is, Clyde?
“I can’t say that I do. Maybe somewhere between 70 and 75, I’d guess.”
“Jenny Hamm went through the last ten years of obituaries in her newspaper and figured the average man’s life expectancy to be 69. Now if you don’t count all the men who get stabbed in bar brawls, drowned out on Mud Lake, killed in still explosions, or drunks who drive off the road going home from the Dead Rat Tavern, that average goes up a bit, to 73.”
“What’s your point, exactly?” Clyde challenged.
“The average female life expectancy for the same period is 86, Clyde. That means that most of the businesses, farms and land end up in the hands of the widows for at least a dozen years,” Toony shot back. “Women own this county and pay the taxes, Clyde, not you shiftless menfolk.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Clyde countered. ‘Most of those men leave their property and businesses to their sons.”
“Only if mama agrees to that, Clyde. You operate a funeral home. The majority of people who seek your services are widows. Without women, you wouldn’t have a business,” Toony concluded.
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As a result of Clyde’s sexist appeal to make Varmint County male again, female voters turned out at the polls in record numbers during the August election. The name factor of Donald Trump might have energized some additional male voters, but that did Clyde Junior little good, as Gabby Aslinger was re-elected in a landslide.
“Can’t say I didn’t warn you,” Doc Filstrup told his distraught son the day after the election. “Thanks to your campaign, women turned out to vote in record numbers, and not only re-elected Gabby to the mayor’s office, but elected Henrietta Pinetar and Shirley Beene to the county commission. Now the women are within one vote of controlling the whole county.”
“The men let me down. They didn’t turn out to vote like I expected,” Clyde moaned.
“Nah, they just did what men most always do when confronted with a choice between their manly pride and the person who cooks their meals, washes their clothes and cleans their house. They said, ‘Yes, Dear’ and kept their mouths shut,” Doc chuckled. “Son, you lost this election when you made it a battle of the sexes. You should’a done the math first.”