Boomer Winfrey 

Varmint County Correspondent

With the July 4th festivities behind us, the big news in Varmint County this summer, as one might expect, is politics. You might recall that former County Mayor Clyde Filstrup Junior had pledged earlier this year to run for his old office and lead a “good ole boy revolution” against the females who have taken control of the courthouse over the past four years.

This would be no easy task, as Clyde was trounced roundly in the last election by former Lady Viper coach Gabrielle “Gabby” Aslinger, daughter of Archie, a regular at Doc Filstrup’s poker table.

A week before the qualifying deadline, Clyde Junior dropped into his pop’s clinic to talk politics, sporting a “Donald Trump for President” hat and a “Make America Great Again” T-shirt.

“What do you think you’re doing, boy? Everybody in the county knows we’re Democrats, even if local races are always non-partisan,” Doc exclaimed.

“Well, daddy, The Donald isn’t exactly a traditional Republican. I’ve decided that his running for President is the best thing that could happen if Varmint County men folk want to reclaim the courthouse from that gang of so-called ‘Jones Girls,’” Clyde replied.

“How do you figure that? Trump’s a Yankee and an idiot, to boot,” Doc quipped.

“Maybe so, but he’s got all the good ole boy, angry white males riled up across the country. The reason I lost to Gabby in the last election is because all the women turned out to vote while you couldn’t get Varmint County men out of the bars and pool halls long enough to cast a ballot,” Clyde explained. “This year will be different as all those redneck peckerwoods are excited about Trump and will register to vote for a change.”

“We’ll see. The only thing that would get that crowd down at Smiley’s pool hall to vote would be free whiskey, while Penny Haig makes sure all her male kinfolk vote for Gabby,” Doc observed. “That Trump sign might backfire on you.”

Despite Doc’s dire warnings, Clyde Junior continued with his master plan, making the rounds at the bars and pool halls, dropping in on the boys at the county garage, and hanging out at Ike Pinetar’s Mud Lake Marina where he handed out voter registration forms and encouraged all the drunks, pool sharks and bass fishermen in the county to, as he put it, “Make Varmint County great again by sending the women back to the kitchen and returning the courthouse to control of real men.”

“Hmm,” Stanley “The Torch” Aslinger commented when Clyde handed him a card. “When you find a real man, let me know.”

“I thought you and Doc were Democrats? Why are you stumping for Trump?” former Sheriff Smoky T. Bandit asked.

“Because he’s gonna make America great again, put real men back in charge who aren’t afraid to do a little waterboarding of terrorists or build a wall to keep furriners out. That’s what I want for Varmint County, too,” Clyde replied.

“The only foreign folks we got in Varmint County are that bunch that work over at La Casa Dulce restaurant next to the Interstate. I kinda like their food,” Curley Hockmeyer remarked.

“Well, why are they working there instead of good, solid Varmint County residents? That’s why we need a wall to keep ‘em out,” Clyde snapped back.

“Uh, Clyde? The folks that built that restaurant are Mexican, and most of the folks that work there are their family members,” Smoky noted. “Plus, they do hire some locals, including my wife’s niece and Eloise Pinetar’s little girl, Petunia.”

“My point exactly,” Clyde shot back. “They only hire females from Varmint County, not men. It’s a plot between them and our power-hungry womenfolk to keep Varmint County men down and we need to put a stop to it!”

This is the sort of rhetoric that Clyde continued to spread running up to the big 4th of July festival at the Lower Primroy fairgrounds. On the 4th, Clyde donned his Trump cap and worked the crowd, handing out red, white and blue candy canes to the kids and kissing babies, or at least those whose mother’s reflexes were too slow to pull their toddlers away in time.

At last it came time for the highlight of the day, the annual bare knuckle free-for-all between the young men of the former Confederate Haig clan and the former pro-Union Hockmeyer clan.

Patriarchs Elijah Haig and Caleb Hockmeyer took their seats together in the grandstand to watch the melee, which was organized a number of years back as a substitute for the century-long blood feud between the two rival moonshining families.

Ten minutes into the brawl, Dormand “Doofus” Haig ran out of the middle of the fight and landed a haymaker on Clyde Junior’s chin, sprawling him out like a wet dishcloth.

“Sorry,” Doofus told Clyde as he lurched dizzily to his feet, “You had that Republican cap on so I mistook you for a Hockmeyer.”

“Well, I ain’t a Hock-meyer, you ninny! Can’t you see that I ain’t dressed for a brawl?”

At that comment, Corney Hockmeyer landed a blow to Clyde’s backside with his boot. Corney quickly apologized, telling Clyde, “Oh, sorry, I heard you say you aren’t a Hockmeyer, so I figured you were on the other side.”

Clyde didn’t hang around to wait for further apologies, limping away from the crowd before somebody else took a swing at him.

“Clyde, you’re going to get yourself kilt if you keep up this Donald Trump thing. You know every politician in Varmint County always runs as an independent to keep the political parties out of our politics,” Clyde’s wife Matilda sighed as she replaced the ice pack on Clyde’s bruised jaw.

“Don’t lecture me about politics, dear. You went out and supported Gabby Aslinger against me four years ago, your own husband. I’m just trying to get back what’s rightfully mine, namely the County Mayor’s office.”

“Well, you finally kept your promise and took me on that trip to Paris, so I promised not to work against you in this election,” Matilda replied. “I’m just not going to vote for either one of you, but Gabby doesn’t need my help anyway. She’s going to clean your clock, Clyde. You wait and see!”

“I’m looking forward to the match. You just wait, I’ll be elected by the men of this county, running as I am on Donald Trump’s coattails,” Clyde predicted. “As a matter of fact, I’ve just challenged that female State Representative, Toony Pyles, to a debate. She’s a big Hillary Clinton supporter, so I want a Trump-Clinton debate here in Varmint County between the two of us. That will cement my position as the champion of all red-blooded Varmint County males and I’ll win the county election in August.”

“You and Toony in a debate? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Just remember that Toony’s cousin Camilla Clotfelter has some rather interesting powers,” Matilda laughed.

“You mean that myth about her being a witch? Poppycock! I’m going to destroy Toony when we face off next week, and then I’ll trounce your friend Gabby in the election.”

“OK, dear. I’ll stock up on some extra bandages, painkillers and anti-venom, just the same,” Matilda closed with a sad smile.

Tune in next month to learn if Clyde Junior survives the debate and can “Make Varmint County Male Again.”