Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

I used to dread income tax preparation time. 

Typically, this was when I’d sit down with Tax Guy to determine how large a siphon Uncle Sam intended to stick into my billfold. But this year, I’m taking a different approach: I’m not going to bring any records. No W-2s, no 1099s, no expense accounts, no receipts, no nothin’. I have no need for records, thank you very much. 

That’s because I have discovered a new method of accounting, and I urge my fellow Americans, red-blooded and otherwise, to follow suit. It is called “making adjustments.” 

I learned about this exciting new system from the United States government. Specifically, the Pentagon. Not long ago, Pentagon officials probed through their records for some receipts. They came up short. Something like $2.3 trillion short. 

I can sympathize, of course. Any homeowner can. Receipts, vouchers, and other official documents have a way of slipping through our fingers, too. 

Apparently it’s the same at the Pentagon: You find a good deal on a couple of used stealth fighters or cruise missiles, and you’ve bought and paid for the crazy things before you know it, and now, gosh-dang-it, where are those fool receipts? 

No problem. The Pentagon simply “made adjustments” in its financial ledgers—to the tune of seven trillion bucks. Give or take a few billion. I am not making this up. 

None other than the Pentagon’s inspector general announced these “adjustments” in his report. In part, the announcement said the Defense Department’s “internal controls were not adequate to ensure that resources were properly managed and accounted for, that DOD complied with applicable laws and regulations, and that the financial statements were free of material misstatements.” All of which amounts to 33 words of governmental gobbledygook meaning, “What the heck; your guess is as good as ours.” 

Initially, I was smitten with an overwhelming wish that the Pentagon would roll its official report into the shape of a large lance and deposit it, making no “adjustments” whatsoever for comfort and ease of insertion, where the sun doesn’t shine. But then I got to thinking, “Hey! If this ‘adjustment-making’ business is good enough for the feds, it’s good enough for me!” 

Thus, when Tax Guy tells me my business expenses are too low, I’ll instruct him to “make adjustments” in my books. That way, I hope to turn $16.78 worth of pens and paper into at least $5.87 million in travel, office supplies, publications, and postage. 

Furthermore, I want Tax Guy to “adjust” my income tax return to show that I worked my buns off 24 hours a day, seven days a week, gave every penny to charity, and posted a net profit of minus-$6.8 million for the entire year. That should put me in good shape for a healthy refund. Which, of course, I expect to receive in cash. 

Whoo-hoo! This will enable me to make significant “adjustments” in my style of living.

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for The Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.