Sam Venable  

Department of Irony

Important note to travelers who may visit Saint Paul, Minnesota, or the South Pacific’s Trobriand Islands the next few days: Avoid kissing at all costs.

You see, Valentine’s Day is nigh. I know you’re thinking thoughts of love, if not outright lust. I know you feel inclined to pucker up. 

Fine. Abundant kissing is permissible, even expected, this time of year. (Then again, nothin’ says lovin’ like cooties by the dozen. Given the flu epidemic, you might want to opt for nothing more intimate than a sincere handshake, followed by mutual hand-washing with plenty of hot water and antiseptic soap. But I digress.) 

However, if you do insist on lip locking this Valentine’s Day, steer clear of the two locations I mentioned at the start of this essay. Especially if you’re not into extreme pain. 

I offer this warning after perusing some neckin’ news that has left me drenched with sweat. Cold, fearful sweat; not the hanky-panky variety. Read on: 

Not long ago in Saint Paul, police charged a 43-year-old woman with assault after she planted the world’s most horrendous French kiss onto the mouth of her 47-year-old boyfriend. One thing led to another, and in the height (or depth, as the case may be) of this oral ecstasy, she wound up biting off—aaaiiieee!—an inch and a half of the guy’s tongue! Seriously. 

Hold on; it gets worse. I quote directly from a dispatch filed by the Minneapolis-Saint Paul Star Tribune: “After talking with the couple, officers returned to her home to look for the tongue, but they couldn’t find it. Police said the woman might have swallowed it.” 

Wow. Is this what the song “Love Hurts” is all about? If so, count me out. 

But if you think the Minnesota situation is bad, check out the physics of South Pacific smooching. According to Michael Christian, author of the book “The Art of Kissing,” participants in the Trobriand Islands are quite aggressive. 

“The custom begins with gentle hugging and kissing,” he writes, “progresses on to biting each other’s lips until bleeding commences—(aaaiiieee! one more time)—and concludes with biting off the eyelash tips” (aaaiiieee! III). 

Here are a few other kissing tidbits, courtesy of Christian’s manual: 

  • The Japanese have always been extremely shy about kissing; public puckering is taboo. 
  • The longest kiss in movie history (three minutes, five seconds) was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the classic film You’re in the Army Now. 
  • Most people incorrectly assume the term “French kiss” originated in France. Actually, it was coined by the English in the 1920s as a slur on French culture. The French call it “tongue kiss” or “soul kissing.” 
  • In Belgium, you are expected to bestow three kisses on anyone 10 years your senior.

How did I learn about Michael Christian’s “kissology” book? Through a news release from a toothpaste company, that’s how. Far be it from me to stoop so low as to shill for this dental industry giant by revealing the brand name—but if you want to, ahem, get Close Up with the partner of your choice on Valentine’s Day, be my guest. 

Just keep your tongue-lopping, lip-gnashing, eyelash-trimming mouth away from mine.

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for The Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.