Boomer Winfrey  

Varmint County Correspondent

Things have pretty much gone back to normal here in Varmint County, following the now-legendary “War of the Roadhouses” between Corky Haig’s Dead Rat Tavern and Barney Hockmeyer’s Rocky Topless Lounge.

The Dead Rat recently reopened after a 30-day hiatus enforced by Elijah, the patriarch of the Haig clan, while Rocky Top Peak is again topless, Barney’s tavern merely a smoldering ruin after Caleb, patriarch of the Hockmeyer clan, burned it to the ground.

Most of the drunks and ne’er-do-wells around the county still speak in whispered tones about the reign of terror imposed by 6´6˝ Penny Haig when her baby sister nearly met an untimely end at the Dead Rat Tavern’s mud wrestling tournament. Penny crippled her uncle and all three of his bouncers, left Lawyer McSwine unable to sit for a month and scattered 200 male spectators to the far reaches of the county.

Penny, who helps Coach B. O. Snodgrass out as an assistant for the Viper football squad, noticed a marked improvement in the demeanor of B. O.’s rowdy bunch of players the following week, as she was addressed by “Yes, Ma’am” to every instruction and command. Even 23-year-old tackle Carlisle “T-Bone” Thompson, who is a convicted felon, showed respect.

T-Bone is still playing high school football thanks to the fact that he repeated the sixth grade three times, spent two years in seventh grade and two more in the eighth. Doc Filstrup, who delivered him, helped out by signing an affidavit that T-Bone’s birth certificate was lost in a fire but Doc “recollected” that he couldn’t be a day over 17.

But the attention span of Varmint County’s wagging tongues soon moved on from Penny’s rampage, since it was, after all, nearing the time for our traditional Halloween festivities. Every year, the gang at the Dead Rat, Smiley’s Pool Emporium and around Doc Filstrup’s poker table occupy much time discussing past Halloween pranks and trying to predict what new terror some inspired soul will come up with for the current season.

Each year, the list of possible new ideas narrows considerably, as local pranksters have tried just about every conceivable combination ranging from stupid or dangerous to merely destructive or hilarious, depending on whether one is a participant, a victim or merely an observer.

Some honest efforts to celebrate Halloween in a proper and civilized manner have often gone very much wrong, such as the time a few years ago when the Varmint County High cheerleaders hosted a haunted high school to raise funds for a trip. A borrowed casket from Clyde Filstrup Junior’s funeral home turned out to contain a real corpse, the mortal remains of Carlisle McCracken, causing much consternation among the cheerleaders who jumped in the casket with the stiff to have their photo made, believing it to be a dummy.

The very next year, Elijah Haig decided to open up a Halloween corn maze over in Haig Hollow. Things went well and the maze was a major hit with everybody until Cody Perkins, Quip Aslinger and a couple of other mischievous youths decided it would be cool to turn over the last outdoor privy in Varmint Count, at the back of Granny Haig’s log cabin.

Unfortunately the boys picked the wrong time to turn over a privy, when Granny was inside on the throne reading an old Sears Roebuck catalog. If the purpose of a Halloween corn maze is to instill terror, the Haig Hollow maze was certainly successful that year. The wayward boys were last seen screaming in terror as they fled Haig Hollow with Granny in fast pursuit, wielding a butcher knife and an axe.

This year’s festivities promised to be even more memorable than most, as the annual Varmint County-Burrville football rivalry was foolishly scheduled for Friday, October 30, the night before Halloween.

Varmint County High School, over the misgivings of the principal and school board, decided to go all-out for the occasion. The Viper marching band dressed up as zombies, the cheerleading squad came as a coven of pointy-hatted witches, and the vampires working the snack bar served cherry punch, Bloody Marys and spider web cotton candy.

But no Halloween is complete without a prank, usually one that goes terribly wrong. Varmint County’s crew of student managers, led by Toady Hockmeyer, Cody “Pie Face” Pennywell and Pete “Cargo” Clampton, inspired by the alleged exploits of pro football quarterback Tom Brady, decided to do a little doctoring of the game balls.

Instead of deflating the footballs, however, the trio enlisted the help of Dormas Letner, who runs a little party store over in Burrville. Dormas naturally keeps a ready supply of helium on hand to inflate his balloons, and was more that happy to loan his tank to the managers.

Shortly before the toss of the coin, Pie Face and Toady filled most of the game balls with helium and waited to see who would win the toss to open the game. Burrville won and elected to receive. Kicker Fuzzy Pinetar set the ball down on the turf, and when the ref blew his whistle, Fuzzy booted the football into the air.

They’re still trying to figure out exactly where the ball landed, since nobody has seen it since it left Fuzzy’s toe. Some speculate that the ball landed somewhere on the side of McCracken’s Neck, the mountain that looms over the west side of the county. Others believe it floated into a neighboring state.

At any rate, the prank almost backfired when the officials could not find a single football that met regulation weight to continue the game. They threatened to forfeit the game in Burrville’s favor until someone reminded the officiating crew that many Varmint County fans come to the games armed.

Instead, the game was postponed for an hour while the referee drove over to the Athletic Mart in Burrville and purchased a supply of balls.

As for Toady, Pie Face and Cargo, Coach Snodgrass had a little Halloween prank of his own waiting for them at Monday’s practice.

“Coach, I looked all over the locker room and I can’t find the tackling dummies,” Pie Face pleaded as he reported to the practice sideline.

“Oh, I sent them off to be repaired. We’re going to use live tackling dummies today, boys. You better get on some pads, ’cause you’re gonna need ’em,” B. O. replied with a wicked grin.