Sam Venable  

Special Contributor

Hoo-boy. Some things you just can’t make up.

In an attempt to create a kinder, gentler nation, an animal rights organization recently asked the citizens of Fishkill, N.Y., to find a new name for their town. The group PETA sent a letter to Fishkill Mayor George Carter requesting this change. 

“Fish are able to feel pain,” said Davey Shepherd of PETA headquarters in Norfolk, Va., “and therefore to use them for your enjoyment is wrong.”

Point of order: PETA in this case means People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. It should not be confused with another group called PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) that formed a few years ago to combat the fringe animal rights lobby. Personally, I’m thinking about organizing yet another PETA (People Enjoying The Antics). But just as sure as I do, a group of lawyers will form PETA (People Envying The Action) and sue the pants off me. So forget I mentioned it.

No, the town didn’t drop the name, one it has had since being settled by the Dutch in the 1600s. As Mayor Carter pointed out, the “kill” portion of the word has nothing to do with ending life. Instead, it’s Dutch for “stream.”

Good. Put a stop to this idiocy before it goes any farther, I say. Changing the names of cities, towns, communities, and geographical locations across this country to appease the animal rights extremists would be a major undertaking. If you don’t believe it, stroll through a couple of atlases like I did.

Right off the bat, these ghastly links to hunting, fishing, and related activities would have to go: Trappers Lake, Col.; Killbuck, Ohio; Fishtrap, Ky.; Gunsight, Mont.; Gunpowder Falls Creek, Md.; Winchester, Tenn.; Hunter, Mo.; Hooks, Texas; Knife River, Minn.; Buckskin, Ind.; Shooting Creek, N.C.; Shooters Hill, Ind.; Arrow Creek, Mont.; and Arrowsmith, Ill.

Naturally, the exploitation of animal body parts by humans is a travesty. So out with the likes of: Birdseye, Ind.; Rabbit Ears Peak, Col.; Horseheads, N.Y.; Beaverhead, N.M.; Hogshead Mountain, Ct.; Buckeye, West Va.; Doe Ear Creek, S.D.; Monkey’s Eyebrow, Ky.; Moosehead, Me.; Owls Head, Me.; and Gnaw Bone, Ind. Not to mention the Calfkiller River in Virginia. 

While PETA’s at it, why not eliminate any hint of mayhem and destruction? Such as: Savage, Minn.; Slaughter, La.; Slaughters, Ky.; Hanging Rock, West Va.; Hanging Limb, Tenn.; Lynchburg, Tenn.; and Graves, Ga. Particularly painful, and certainly in need of redemption, are Scalp Level, Penn., and Cut Off, (yee-iii!) La.

Indeed, one could go for a total environmental cleansing and get rid of ecologically unpleasant locations. Including: Deadwood, S.D.; Sulphur, La.; Stinking Creek, Tenn.; and Dry Creek, Miss.

But if this foolishness does get out of hand and municipal names are changed from sea to shining sea, there’s one that shouldn’t be touched whatsoever. In fact, we oughta make it the nation’s new capital.

I speak, of course, of Looneyville, West Va..

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at mahv@outlook.com.