What This Country Needs
Sam Venable
Special Contributor
On March 14, 1854—precisely 161 years ago this month—Thomas Riley Marshall was born in North Manchester, Indiana.
I know this scintillating news makes you tremble with excitement. But instead of baking a cake in honor of the occasion and breaking into a rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday, Old Geezer,” let us ponder how the course of American history would have been altered if Marshall had been born many years later.
Surely he . . . huh? What’s that? Who in blue blazes was Thomas Riley Marshall? I thought you’d never ask.
He was the governor of Indiana, that’s who. And from 1913 until 1921, he was Vice President of the United States under Woodrow Wilson. Technically, he could have served as prez in 1919 when Wilson became ill. But, being a good lieutenant, Marshall would hear nothing of the idea and dutifully continued to play second fiddle.
Everything in the preceding paragraph is 100-percent true. Check any history book. (Or be lazy and Google it, like I did.) It won’t be on the final exam, though, because it’s totally unrelated to Marshall’s real place in history.
You see, despite his years of dedicated public service and despite any legislation he helped enact, Thomas Riley Marshall is best remembered for a single sentence he uttered:
‘‘What this country needs is a really good five-cent cigar!”
Marshall made the remark in 1917 during a debate in the U.S. Senate. At the time, and for decade-upon-decade thereafter, it was considered a pearl of Yankee wisdom—a statement with direct applicability to virtually any aspect of American commerce and manufacturing. It was the ultimate sound bite before sound bites were invented. But it sure wouldn’t play today.
In the first place, Marshall would need to update his finances. Economists differ about these things, but given the ravages of inflation and skyrocketing costs of agricultural production, that five-cent cigar would cost in the neighborhood of, oh, $7.38 today.
As any political spin doctor can tell you, ‘‘What this country needs is a really good $7.38 cigar!” fails miserably in the charisma department—along with “Give me liberty or give me a noogie!” They just don’t have the same impact as the original.
Economics notwithstanding, any politician today who praised the widespread consumption of cheap tobacco products would be attacked by the American Medical Association, the American Lung Association, the American Heart Association and the American Cancer Society immediately after his remark was texted, tweeted and YouTubed coast-to-coast. Unless, of course, he represented a tobacco-producing state—in which case he would be nominated for Grand Poobah of the Universe.
Still, everything that goes around comes around. Particularly in politics.
There’s plenty of room in Washington today for Thomas Riley Marshall’s brand of oratory, and I’m just waiting on some genius to rediscover it. Something along the lines of: ‘‘What this country needs is a really good 75¢ gallon of gasoline!”
Yeah, it’s a little rough. But I’m working on it.
Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at mahv@outlook.com.