“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Varmint County is in the middle of the Winter doldrums. The holiday season has come and gone, with all the Halloween pranks, Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas parades now a fading memory.  

The Autumn deer hunting season is past as well, and the male population of Varmint County High School is back in the classroom, deceased grandmothers buried, cases of the flu miraculously cured, broken-down vehicles repaired. “Pie Hole” Sweeny set the record by burying six grandmothers and an aunt in less than 30 days.

“Are you going to let him get away with such lame excuses and outright lies?” school secretary Prunella Pinetar asked principal Toby Potts.

“Yeah. If we call him on it, he’ll just come up with another excuse tomorrow. Besides, I’ve already talked with his pap. Pie Hole will make it up when he has to attend summer school while his buddies are bass fishing and girl chasing,” Toby replied with a wicked grin.

While outdoor activities are held to a minimum by the rugged winter weather hereabouts, Varmint County’s principal activities shift to warmer surroundings, namely the toasty interiors of Smiley’s Pool Emporium, the Dead Rat Tavern and the Varmint County Viper basketball fieldhouse.

The Vipers are enjoying a typical season under Coach B. O. Snodgrass, beating the stuffing out of all of their opponents on the court and winning all of the post-game brawls as well. The Lady Vipers have been, to say the least up to now, less successful.

Coach Penny Haig, the former Lady Viper superstar center who took over the coaching job when Gabby Aslinger retired to move into the County Mayor’s office, was asked by Cooter Owens, the sportscaster for WVMT AM/FM, what she thought of her prospects at the beginning of the season.

“Well, we’re kinda on the small side,” Penny replied, “but we’re slow. Of course that shouldn’t mean much to the players right now. They’re so green and inexperienced that they have no idea how bad they’re going to be,” Penny added with a crooked grin.

Penny’s little sister Chloe was long graduated, as were the other starting players from her Division A state championship run of a couple of years back. On top of that, star point guard Vicki Hogg had to transfer when her daddy lost his job at the meat-packing house over in Burrville and moved his family to seek an oil field job in North Dakota.

Then starting forward Prudence Holliman had to drop out of school. Seems she wasn’t prudent enough and was forced to take maternity leave. She is happily married now, at least. Tommy Joe McSwine, nephew of lawyer McSwine, walked Prudence down the aisle, followed by six heavily armed Holliman brothers. Another three-year backup guard broke her leg in a water skiing accident on Mud Lake, while Penny had to suspend another player for flunking four out of five courses at midterms.

All of this misfortune left Penny with only seven players at the beginning of the season, five of them freshmen. Predictably, this group managed to lose their first game to Lott County by a score of 55-12. It only got worse, with losses to Pumpkinville 72-31 and an embarrassing 68-14 shellacking at arch-rival Burrville.

“Penny, I know this is hard for you to take but hang in there. These girls need you to teach them how to be winners,” Gabby Aslinger encouraged her young successor.

“Gabby, I’m not used to losing and definitely not used to losing badly. It’s tough putting up with the sneering grins from those male coaches and their snide comments about how bad we are, but I’ll not quit,” Penny replied. “Those girls keep getting outplayed but they’re not quitting. Nobody has even suggested quitting the team and I’m about as proud of this bunch as any team I’ve ever been associated with.”

“It might be a good idea to tell them that,” Gabby observed.

And Penny did just that, calling a team meeting and letting her girls know how proud she was to be coaching them. “You are playing ball under the most difficult conditions imaginable,” Penny pointed out. “You’re all short on experience and size but you’ve got more heart than any group of girls I’ve ever seen. All of our opponents are looking for payback from previous years when we kicked their butts and they’re having their fun right now, but we will get better and we’ll have our day, I promise you,” she concluded.

“Coach, can you talk to the janitors and see if they’ll let us have a key to the gym? Some of us would like to put in some extra practice time on weekends,” Bobbi Jo Barnwell asked.

“Bobbi Jo, I’ll do you one better than that. If you’re willing to practice on weekends, I’ll be right there with you,” Penny beamed.

Things began to turn around the very next week. The Lady Vipers lost their next two games too, but they held Joseph B. McCurdle High School to only 34 points by playing hard-nosed defense, losing 34-29. On Friday they did even better, losing on a last second shot 44-43 to visiting Burrville.

Then one of those little things occurred that sometimes turns the world around, for better or worse. Penny was up early on a Monday morning, having spent the night sniveling and sneezing from a nasty head cold. She heard the newspaper carrier, Sheila Hockmeyer, drive up in front of the house she rented in Lower Primroy.

Suddenly a bundled-up newspaper came flying out of Sheila’s beat-up minivan and landed with a thud, right in the newspaper box on Penny’s front porch.

“Jeeze, that was quite a toss, at least 60 or 70 feet from the street.” Penny said to herself and noted the time. The next morning she set her alarm to get up early. Again, Sheila pulled up, an arm shot out of the passenger side of the vehicle and lofted the newspaper bundle over the van, across the street and yard and square into the newspaper box with a “thunk.”

A couple of days later, Penny ran into Sheila at the Shop ‘N’ Save. “Who have you got riding shotgun on your paper route? I’ve never seen anyone toss anything with that much accuracy, and in the dark to beat it all.”

“Oh, my niece Bertha who lives with me helps. She goes to bed early, gets up and meets me at 3:00 a.m. and helps me with my route until I drop her off at school around 6:30,” Sheila replied.

“That would explain why Bertha Hockmeyer is always getting into trouble for falling asleep in her afternoon classes,” Penny laughed.

“She’s falling asleep? She didn’t mention that,” Sheila sighed. “I’m going to have to stop asking her to help. I don’t know how I’ll finish the route without her help but her studies come first.”

“Can she throw anything else with as much accuracy as she flips those newspapers?” Penny asked.

“Oh yeah, she can hit the center of a spare tire nailed to the barn with a football from about fifty yards.”

“You’re kidding? Can she throw a basketball?”

“Never had a basketball goal at home. I imagine she could toss one of them too although it’s a bit large for one hand. She usually throws with just the one hand.”

The next afternoon, Penny cornered Bertha as she was heading into afternoon study hall. “Why don’t you come down to the gym with me for a few minutes,” Penny asked. “I want to see you toss balls around.”

In the gym, Penny first handed Bertha a rolled-up newspaper,” urging her, “I want to see how you toss this thing and hit my paper box every morning without missing.”

Bertha calmly lofted the newspaper over her head in a hook shot, back to the goal, and dropped it through the net from mid-court.

“Can you do that with a basketball?”

“I don’t know. I can with a football. I don’t know how to toss a basketball,” Bertha replied.

“I’ll show you. Take it in both hands like this, one slightly under, the other one on top, and shoot it up with a little spin.”

Bertha shot the ball. It missed the goal, the backboard and the gym floor, landing in the bleachers.

“That’s not too good,” Penny observed.

“I do better with one hand,” Bertha explained.

Bertha then tried again, balancing the basketball on her right hand and slinging it over her left shoulder in a perfect hook shot – from forty feet away. The ball swished silently through the nets.

“Your Aunt Sheila wants you to stop helping her with the paper route. She’s concerned you’re not getting enough sleep to keep up in class.”

“But my aunt needs that paper route to make ends meet. She’s got a second job at the diner as soon as we finish the route. Without my help she can’t finish in time,” Bertha protested.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll hire a boy to meet your aunt and help her with the route. I know one or two Haigs that have nothing better to do with their mornings. You get a good night’s sleep and stay awake in class. Oh, and one more thing, come down to the gym tomorrow afternoon and try out for the basketball team!”

To make a long story short, two weeks later the Varmint County Lady Vipers took the court with a new player on the team. Bertha’s debut wasn’t all of that impressive at first. She kept forgetting the little basics of basketball like dribbling the ball. The first time she was passed the ball she was called for traveling. The second time she dribbled it off her foot. Penny called a time out.

“I think, girls, we move the ball around a bit, let Bertha get set at a spot where she’s comfortable shooting and pass her the ball. Bertha, you catch the ball and just shoot, don’t move your feet, don’t bounce the ball. Just shoot.”

And that’s exactly what happened. Bobbi Jo Barnwell passed the ball to Camilla Pennywell, who passed to Bertha. Nobody bothered to guard her because her back was to the basket, when she suddenly launched a hook shot from near the mid-court line. “Swish,” into the net.

When the game ended, Varmint County had its first victory of the year, a 55-45 victory over the Lake County Lady Loons. Newcomer Bertha Hockmeyer accounted for 30 of those points.

“Looks like you’ve found yourself a ringer,” Coach B. O. Snodgrass told Penny after the game.

“Well, they will eventually figure out how to defend Bertha. Foul her every time. She can’t make free throws.”

“No rule says she can’t make free throws with a hook shot, is there?”

“I guess not. Anyway, all these girls needed was a little self-confidence to make winners out of them. Bertha’s sharp-shooting has given them confidence they can win. She won’t play many minutes until she learns how to pass and play defense, but when we need a few quick points, she can definitely score them for us.”