“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Another holiday season has come and gone in Varmint County and as usual, it was memorable.  

There were the Halloween antics of some of the younger members of the Haig clan, who managed to chain the axles of all five of the Varmint County Sheriff Department’s patrol cars together while the deputies were changing shifts.

There was also the big New Year’s Eve celebration sponsored by the Town of Confusion (formerly Pleasant View). The Chinese developers of the new theme park shipped in a state-of-the-art electronically controlled fireworks show but failed to take into account that nobody in the town would know how to operate the controls. 

Fire Chief Kermit “Buck” Byrd set off the opening salvo and the big finale simultaneously, resulting in wayward rockets flying in every direction, scattering the crowd and setting City Hall on fire. The explosions were so massive that the National Guard unit over in Burrville was mobilized to fend off a terrorist attack.

Here in the county seat of Lower Primroy, things were a bit more relaxed, as everybody was saturated with a heavy dose of Christmas spirit, not to mention Christmas ham, Thanksgiving turkey and all the trimmings.

As usual, the highlight of the holidays was the Varmint County Christmas Parade, which kicks off every year at the high school stadium, winds its way through the streets of Lower Primroy, up the mountain a piece to Upper Primroy and back down to break up at the Save-A-Lot parking lot out by the interstate.

The Varmint County Vipers marching band always leads the procession, banging out a variety of Christmas tunes. Following that are the numerous floats sponsored by local churches. This year we had eleven different versions of the Nativity, ranging from Stinking Creek Church of God’s float that featured Penelope Pinetar’s newborn as the Baby Jesus (little Horace managed to poop on all three wise men) to an extravagant affair put together by the First Baptist of Lower Primroy with live donkeys and a country music band singing “Silent Night.”

Not to be outdone, Lower Primroy Second Baptist Church somehow found a pair of camels and two brave deacons willing to dress up as wise men and ride them. Gopher Willis fell off three times before wisely walking in front leading his camel.

The highlight of the parade is the Santa Claus float, which has its own very special Varmint County twist, a new tradition started at last year’s parade when Santa was kidnapped by the Grinch.

It happened last year that lawyer Philbert McSwine, who is just portly enough in stature to make an excellent Santa Claus requiring no extra padding, was talked into portraying jolly old Saint Nick in the parade.

Philbert figured, since he was planning to run for Circuit Court Judge in the upcoming election, that the public exposure would gain him some votes. He climbed into the sleigh mounted on Toby Hockmeyer’s flatbed wrecker, surrounded by Varmint County High’s cheerleading squad all decked out as Santa’s elves.

Everything went as expected until the parade reached downtown Lower Primroy across from the courthouse and the judge’s reviewing stand. Philbert Claus waved at the crowd and gave off a few hearty Ho-Ho-Hos while the elves tossed candy to the kids on the side of the road. To add to the illusion, Chief Deputy Stephanie Bandit, also dressed as an elf, held the reins of a half dozen reindeer that were stretched out in front of the float, making it appear that they were pulling it along.

The reindeer were actually horses from former Sheriff Smoky T. Bandit’s stable, with a cantankerous nag nicknamed “Sawbones” after Doc Filstrup, leading the team. Sawbones, in addition to fake antlers, also sported a fake red nose that blinked on and off, delighting the kids as Rudolph clopped past.

Suddenly, just as the Santa float pulled in front of the reviewing stand, three shadowy characters, all dressed in Grinch costumes complete with Grinch masks, hopped on the float, pulled Philbert off his seat and commenced to hog-tie him with arms and legs bound together like a turkey headed for the oven.

A golf cart then pulled up next to the float and the three assailants managed to push the hog-tied Santa onto the golf cart, driven by another Grinch Who Stole Christmas character. Off the golf cart darted, passing the other floats, Boy Scout troops and Gopher Willis and his camel.

The Grinch driving the golf cart cackled and laughed, screamed that he was holding Santa Claus for ransom and for a little added drama, snatched a bag of candy from the hands of little Carrie Fleetwood as he whizzed past.

All of this happened so suddenly that nobody had time to react. Most adults thought it was part of the parade, a little added theatrical touch, while most of the younger kids were in shock, seeing their prospects for a full Christmas stocking being kidnapped before their very eyes.

Stephanie Bandit, tomboy daughter of Sheriff Smoky, wife of Sheriff Hiram Potts and Hiram’s chief deputy, was the first to realize that this was not a planned part of the festivities. Perhaps the fact that the Grinch kidnappers had been a bit rough with Santa had tipped her off, or perhaps it was what one of the Grinch characters said to Santa while tying him up – “Philbert, this humiliation is compliments of your ex-wives!”

At any rate, Stephanie, whose love of horses is the reason her father kept a stable, decided that somebody needed to do something before Philbert got hurt. She hopped off the float, disconnected the lead horse/reindeer from the team and jumped on old Sawbones, riding bareback.

So the crowds lining the sidewalks of Lower Primroy were treated to a scene straight out of a Hollywood movie. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas went flying alongside the parade floats with Santa Claus trussed up and screaming for help in the back of the golf cart. A hundred yards back, an elf riding Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer took off in hot pursuit.

Stephanie, always the prepared law enforcement officer, pulled out a portable radio with one hand while guiding Sawbones, antlers waving from side to side and red nose still flashing, with the other hand.

“Hiram, this is Stephanie. This is not an act. Those guys have actually kidnapped Philbert. You need to get some squad cars up at the front of the parade and cut off the side streets before they get away!”

With that, the squad car leading the parade pulled to the side and set up a roadblock of sorts next to the confused members of the Varmint County Marching Band, who continued to play “Jingle Bells,” stepping in place.

The Grinch in the golf cart, seeing the police car lying in wait, tried to cut right onto a side street, only to be greeting by another police car, driven by Constable Barney Bates. The Grinch tried to pull off a U-turn but the weight of Philbert McSwine was too much for the flimsy golf cart and it tipped over, dumping Santa Claus in a heap on the street. The Grinch tried to escape on foot, but was run down and tackled by an elf riding Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

When all the smoke settled, a slightly shaken but otherwise unhurt Santa Claus was taken back to his sleigh, the elf returned Rudolph to his place in line and the parade resumed to a loud chorus of cheers from the crowd, firmly convinced that it was all part of a clever new twist to the parade, rehearsed and carried out for everyone’s entertainment.

Toby Aslinger, Alonzo Potts and Corky Hockmeyer were arrested for assault while Corky’s cousin “Hooch” was charged with kidnapping and resisting arrest. The four Grinches refused to divulge why they had pulled off the caper, only that they planned to untie Santa and dump him in the fish pond up by the Dead Rat Tavern before making their getaway.

Officials began to suspect that Philbert’s former wives were behind it all when Philbert changed his story, at first threatening to put the Grinches behind bars forever, then telling Sheriff Potts that it was all a big act and he was in on it from the beginning. All charges were dropped against the four kidnappers, and no more questions were asked about their motives.

“I talked to Annabelle Pinetar, one of Philbert’s former mothers-in-law,” Stephanie later told County Mayor Gabby Aslinger. “She says Philbert’s three ex-wives hired the Hockmeyer boys, Toby and Alonzo to humiliate Philbert because they want to get him beat in the upcoming election. He made up that story about being in on it from the beginning when Sally McSwine reminded him that he would look less foolish than as a hapless victim, plus she has some rather embarrassing photos she threatened to circulate if he didn’t play along.”

“Well, whatever was behind it, the crowds loved the show. The parade committee voted unanimously to have the Grinch kidnap Santa Claus every year as part of the parade and you, my dear, are going to be the elf riding Rudolph who chases the Grinch down and rescues Santa. That’s what you get for being so talented on horseback,” Gabby proclaimed.