Slippery Rock Gazette

Hoo-boy. Here we go with that time change business again. At the stroke of 2 a.m. on the second day of this month, you’re supposed to climb out of bed, stumble over the dog, trip on various electrical cords, kick the cat, bump your head, bang your shins, fall down the stairs, and turn all of your clocks and watches back one hour.

(Or, if you are a spoilsport with no spirit of adventure, you can simply set ’em back before you hit the hay on November 1—and miss out on a swell time!)

However you choose to perform the task, it makes up for the hour that was stolen from us in March. Meaning that once more we will be safely back in the arms of Eastern Standard Time.

It’s not that I have anything against Daylight Saving Time, per se. Indeed, this afternoon-stretching alchemy does have its advantages in May, June, July, August and September.

But March 9 is too dang early to start it, and November 2 is too dang late to end it! The Good Lord had no intention of seeing the sun rise at 8 o’clock in the morning. We shouldn’t either.

Nonetheless, this idea of toying with the clock to suit our fickle purposes bears further exploration. If an extra hour of daylight is so beneficial during the summer, why not save an extra day all year long?

That’s why I am happy to announce Weekend Saving Time. Works like this:

Presently, our system operates on a series of seven 24-hour days, right? That makes a weekly total of 168 hours.

Under WST, each week would still have 168 hours. But none of that mundane 24-hours-per-day stuff. No, indeed! Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays would contain only 20 hours apiece. That’s 100 hours. Saturday and Sunday would have their usual 24 hours each, bringing us to 148. And the extra 20 hours would be a free day!

Just think: every weekend would be three days long. More time for sleeping, more time for recreation, more time for trips to the mountains, more time for anything but going to work.

Already, I can hear the naysayers telling me this plan isn’t feasible. For one thing, they say it won’t apply to the millions of Americans who don’t work a typical Monday-through-Friday week.

Pfffft! Big deal.

Those people can have, say, Wednesday-through-Sunday at 20 hours a clip. Then give them Monday and Tuesday at 24 hours each, throw in the freebie day, and then start their work week again on Wednesday. It’s so easy I’m surprised you have to be shown.

This revolutionary concept will be a veritable goldmine for the nation’s business interests. Think what a blessing it’s going to be for watchmakers, calendar publishers, schedule printers and others who deal in units of time. We are talking billions and billions of dollars. Good jobs at good wages.

Sure, it may cause a bit of confusion at first. Nothing truly innovative comes without a period of adjustment before things start to smooth out. Why, hasn’t the switch to the metric system progressed just as slick as silk?

And if things do get out of hand? No sweat. We can always turn the whole program over to the fine folks in Congress.

Surely they can iron out the details of Weekend Saving Time as easily as they have solved everything dealing with immigration, the Middle East, the Department of Veterans Affairs, and the Affordable Health Care Act.

Yee-haw! Happy days are here again!

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at mahv@outlook.com.