“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Local elections are now behind us here in Varmint County, so folks have started getting their lives back to normal, such as they may be, in such a colorful and unusual place.  

No longer does one have to navigate a car among a forest of election signs and billboards, clogging up every intersection and wide spot on every county road and pig path. I suppose my own newspaper, the War Whoop & Exterminator, must take some of the responsibility for this.

Publisher Virginia “Ginnie” Hamm, in addition to spearheading the plot to have females take over the courthouse, also decided to go into the campaign sign business this year. It was her idea that making signs large enough to also place the image of the candidate might help the girls get elected since they were undoubtedly easier on the eyes than the plug uglies that pass for male politicians hereabouts.

Ginnie’s plan worked too well, from a business point of view, as everybody running for office, male and female, decided that photo signs were the thing. Ginnie opened a sign and campaign print shop in the back of the newspaper office but was soon overwhelmed with orders. She ended up contracting about half of the work out to a printer over in Burrville.

The good news is that so much wood was used erecting campaign billboards around the county that after the election, the candidates donated their signs to Habitat for Humanity, which built a dozen new homes from the once-used lumber.

Only one candidate, Clyde Filstrup Junior, decided to hang on to his signs since Clyde was merely running for the county commission to set up another race in two years for county mayor. He figured he could use the same billboards and save money. His wife, however, had other ideas.

“Honey, I had over 200 campaign signs stacked up behind the garage under a canvas tarp and they’re all gone. What happened to them?”

“Clyde, I had Archie Aslinger pick them up and take them over to the Habitat office. They’re going to be used to build Maybelle Burkwell’s new kitchen.”

“Darling, I planned to use those signs again in two years, just cover over ‘County Commissioner’ with ‘County Mayor’ and use ’em again to save money.”

“Clyde, ain’t no way I’m going to look out in our back yard at an ugly old pile of rotting plywood and timber for the next two years. You know that area is where we always set up the picnic tables for the family reunion. Buy some new signs in two years if you still intend to run, but I’m still voting for Gabby Aslinger.”

Clyde Junior did win his race for county commission, setting himself up to be a constant critic and pain in the you-know-what for Mayor Gabby Aslinger over the next couple of years. He also narrowly defeated Henrietta Pinetar for the commission seat, depriving the females of Varmint County of an opportunity to take over county government and bring an end to “Good Old Boy” rule that has endured for nearly 200 years.

The men of Varmint County still hold a narrow 6-4 margin on the commission, having lost one more seat to a female, Gertrude Barnwell of the Town of Confusion, formerly known as Pleasant View. Gertrude won a special election to fill her late husband’s unexpired term for two years.

Cleotis “Buck” Barnwell expired rather suddenly back in March while working as a carpenter on the Panda Land Water Park, part of the Chinese-financed theme park being built on the shores of Mud Lake. Buck was pounding in some final nails at the top of the Great Wall Water Slide, touted to become the world’s longest and steepest water slide, when he slipped and fell into the slide, which was carrying water in a test run.

By the time he exited at the bottom and plunged into Mud Lake, Buck was clocked at 110 miles per hour. His carpenter’s apron held around thirty pounds of nails along with two hammers, so he plunged immediately to the bottom. Didn’t really matter, the coroner explained. He probably died from heart failure when he reached the mid-point of the slide, an over-and-under twirl, at around 95 mph.

Buck’s untimely demise did have one good outcome, as the designers of the theme park decided that perhaps having the longest and steepest water slide would not be worth the risk of multiple wrongful death lawsuits. They re-designed the structure to eliminate the double loop and slow the exit speed to a mere 75 mph.

But I digress. Back to the election results, the really big races this year involved Lawyer Philbert McSwine, who was running to unseat a female General Sessions Judge, and the “Battle of the Bandits” for the County Sheriff’s office, between Sheriff Hiram Potts and his former Chief Deputy and still-beloved wife, Stephanie Bandit-Potts.

As you may recall, Stephanie decided to run against her husband to punish him after she caught him cheating with 30-year-old former cheerleader Isabelle Pinetar. It promised to be a close race, as retired Sheriff Smoky T. Bandit decided to endorse and support his daughter. 

Shortly after Stephanie filed her petition to run, Hiram called her into his office.

“Honey, I didn’t think you’d go through with it. I told you how sorry I am about the Isabelle thing and I promised never to cheat on you again. What more can I do?”

“Hiram, I’m not sure if you’re sorry you strayed, or just sorry you got caught. For our daughter’s sake I’m giving you another chance but I’m going to run against you anyway. Time we girls took control for awhile since you men keep messing things up.”

“Well, I’m going to have to ask you to resign as Chief Deputy. Can’t have my right-hand man, uh woman, spending all her time out campaigning against me.”

“That’s OK, darling. You can pay the mortgage and utility bills out of your salary for the next three months and I’ll just go to being a good little housewife,” Stephanie replied with a smile. “Oh, and I’ll need you to give me grocery money too, unless you plan to eat out every meal until August.”

It was at this point that Hiram Potts finally realized what a very big mistake he had made. 

In the end, Stephanie’s bid to become Varmint County’s first female “High Sheriff ” fell short. The problem was that too many female voters had been in the habit of never voting in the sheriff’s race while many males in Varmint County ignored every election on the ballot except the race for Sheriff. The old boy network survived, barely, as Hiram was re-elected by twenty-six votes over his disappointed wife.

“Well, it’s over. I hope you’re satisfied because we’re broke,” Hiram told Stephanie. “I spent every last dime I had paying the household bills and I had to loan my campaign fund $5,000 to run against you.”

“Well, you’re broke I guess. I have $10,000 left over from my campaign contributions that I didn’t need to spend. I guess I could pay off your campaign debts if you’re really nice to me when our anniversary comes around next week.”

“Uh, sure thing, dear. We’ll go over to that nice new restaurant in Burrville and go out dancing if you want.”

“Too bad, buster. You flunked the test. Our anniversary was last week,” Stephanie replied coolly. “I was thinking more along the lines of a week at a cottage on the beach, just the two of us.”

“I’m so sorry, darling, for everything. But how can we afford an anniversary vacation when I’ve got all these bills hanging over me?”

“Daddy’s already taken care of that. He sent us this little card yesterday, with paid reservations for a cottage on Hilton Head Island and a little note that says, ‘The election’s over! Now go kiss and make up. Love, Sheriff Smoky.’

“Daddy supported me in the race but he admitted last night that he’s relieved I didn’t win. Said he wouldn’t mind having a daughter as sheriff but he’d rather have a grandson.”

So the “female revolution” envisioned by Representative Toony Pyles, publisher Ginnie Hamm and other Varmint County ladies is still a couple of years away. The ladies’ only bright spot was in the race for Sessions Court Judge, where lawyer Philbert McSwine lost handily to the incumbent, Katherine McConnell.

While the Varmint County’s females couldn’t quite turn out enough votes to wrest control from the male politicians, poor Philbert couldn’t quite overcome the fact that all three of his former wives live in the district he hoped to represent, which included Burr County along with Varmint County and McAdoo County.

Tammy Murdock, the first former Mrs. McSwine, hosted a “Pflush Philbert” party in Burrville that raised over $20,000 for Judge McConnell, while former wife number two recruited over a hundred people to run a telephone tree opposing Philbert over in McAdoo County.

“Philbert, the next time you get married, you might want to consider courting a lady from some other state,” Judge Hardtime Harwell advised. “You collect any more baggage around here and they will probably get you disbarred.”