Frederick M. Hueston, PhD  

Stone Care Consultant 

It seems like all I do these days is investigate claims of faulty installations.         

I was telling the regulars at the greasy spoon that a lady had contacted me with a complaint that her countertop had all kinds of defects and she wanted it replaced. The fabricator told her there was nothing wrong with it, so she filed a lawsuit. As usual, I told the fabricator I would be happy to check it out, and testify if necessary. 

“Some people really crack me up and just need to get a life,” I told the old man sitting next to me at the counter. Before I had finished speaking my phone rang. “Stone detective here,” I said. 

There was a serious, deep voice on the other end. He said he was an attorney and his client was a stone fabricator, and had heard about my cases through the Slippery Rock. He was looking for an expert to inspect or take a look at the installation.  

I asked how soon they wanted me there, and where the home was located. He told me he would like me to get arrive ASAP, and it was located in a small town in Wyoming. Wow! I thought, Wyoming! I told him I would check on flights and get back to him that afternoon.

It just so happened I was able to get a flight out the following day. I had to fly into Denver, rent a car and drive up to Wyoming. Now, I don’t want to offend anyone from Wyoming but I drove several hours and didn’t see one building, one vehicle or anyone–just lots and lots of deer. From what I saw–or didn’t see– I estimated Wyoming must have a population of around 10 people. 

I finally arrived at my destination, a little convenience store / gas station on the corner of a dirt road. I was supposed to meet the guy that watches the house when the owners are away.  

He was sitting there waiting for me in an old beat-up Ford pickup. He was wearing one of those fancy ten-gallon hats that Hoss used to wear on Ponderosa. (Sorry, I’m giving my real age away– that’s a generational reference to a 60s Western TV show).  

He rolled down his window, waved, and made a motion for me to follow him. We proceeded down the dirt road, and again drove for forever. We arrived at this iron-gated driveway at the bottom of a mountain. The huge gate slowly swung open and we climbed up a winding, steep driveway. At the top of the mountain was this enormous mansion. We parked and he guided me inside.

We entered the kitchen and there was a granite island and the longest countertop I have ever seen. Now comes the funny part. There must have been several hundred of those little blue dots you can get at the office supply. Oh boy, I thought. Thank goodness the homeowner wasn’t there. He proceeded to tell me that Mrs. Picky did not like this countertop and there were defects all over. He pointed to one location and said, “Look at that big crack, there!”

He directed my attention to another section, which had these spots that Mrs. Picky also considered defects. He also pointed to the profile and said that the granite wasn’t the right thickness. I didn’t say a word, but proceeded to inspect the countertop. What did I find? There was not one thing wrong with the fabrication of the installation. I spent about an hour looking closely at everything, told Mr. Ten-Gallon Hat thanks, and that they would get my report soon.

And here is what I said in my report: The crack was not a crack but a natural vein. It’s easy to tell. All you have to do is run your fingernail across the suspected crack or vein. If your fingernail catches, it’s a crack. If it doesn’t, it’s a vein. Likewise, the “spots” were natural, mineral crystals in the stone, not defects. The thickness of the countertop was about 29 mm, just shy of 3 cm.  I explained that the 3 cm thickness is a nominal measurement and can vary, plus or minus a few millimeters.  

Like I said, some people need to get a life. By the way, the caretaker told me this was only their vacation home. This is going to be lots of fun if it ever goes to court.

The Stone Detective is a fictional character created by Fred Hueston, written to be entertaining and educational. He has written over 33 books on stone and tile installations, fabrication and restoration and also serves as an expert for many legal cases across the world. You can send any email comments to him at fhueston@stoneforensics.com<.