“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Another Varmint County Fourth of July has come and gone, this year with remarkably little in the way of madness and mayhem and only minor destruction of public property.  

Part of the reason for this may be that the annual Haig-Hockmeyer free-for-all was a mite toned down this year, what with about half the young men from each clan already in the hospital by the time the holiday came around.

Amazingly, Varmint County has been bitten by the “futball” bug, with many of the younger generation riveted to their televisions to follow the efforts of Team USA in the World Cup. Somebody, Toadie Hockmeyer, I believe it was, suggested that the younger Haigs and Hockmeyers should play a soccer game at the annual July Fourth gathering in the Lower Primroy fairgrounds.

“I watched a little of one of them soccer games and that game gets pretty rough. It would be a good substitute for the annual fistfight and free-for-all this year, seein’ as how the whole country is watching those games,” Toadie suggested at a planning meeting of the Varmint County Independence Day Celebration Committee.

The committee liked the suggestion, but there was one minor flaw – most members of the Haig and Hockmeyer clans had never played soccer, had no idea what the rules are and even less idea about strategy. Penny Haig was asked if she would help out by coaching the Haig team, but she declined.

“I played a little soccer in college; it’s like playing American football at full speed without pads, or playing basketball without calling fouls. You throw in young Haigs and Hockmeyers on the same field and there’s bound to be multiple fatalities,” Penny predicted. “I don’t want any responsibility for that.”

The two clans finally found a coach who was familiar with the game. Elbierto “Pancho” Pontaza, who operates the “Real Enchilada” Mexican restaurant over in Pleasant View, agreed to show the Haigs and Hockmeyers a few of the basics of the game in a scrimmage on the Sunday before the Fourth. 

The two teams gathered at Pleasant View’s Virgil “Buck” Snort Memorial Athletic Field, which is soon slated to become the Chinese-owned Great Wall Water Park in the newly-renamed town of Confusion, Tennessee.

Pancho recruited two of his cousins to serve as officials for the scrimmage. Ten minutes into the game, the two had handed out six red cards, five yellow cards and banned one Hockmeyer for life after he assaulted both officials, his own coach and a hot dog vendor in the strands.

Twenty minutes later, the scrimmage had to be called because there were only six able-bodied players left on the field and both officials had run away. Most of the players were still in the hospital over in Burrville on the Fourth of July, leaving the annual free-for-all short-handed this year.

While the free-for-all was rather toned down, that did nothing to interfere with the July 4th festivities. This being an election year, politicians were all over the place, handing out free cotton candy and free ice cream as well as cards, pencils, nail files, guitar picks and anything else that could be made cheaply with a candidate’s name printed on it.

Lawyer Philbert McSwine, running for Sessions Court Judge, even handed out “20 percent off” discount coupons for Smiley’s Bail Bonds, despite some suggestions that this might in fact be a conflict of interest since Philbert would end up setting the bail.

The big topic of conversation this election year has nothing to do with the candidates running for office, however, but centers around the identity of the “Sign Vigilante.”

Election year always brings a multitude of political signs, some as big as billboards, to the roadsides of the county. This year, however, the signs have grown larger than ever thanks to the growing popularity of photo signs featuring not only the candidate’s name and office being sought, but a life-sized, full color likeness of said politician.

Sign wars have always been a part of the election year culture around here, with various candidates’ supporters vandalizing or stealing the opponent’s signs. Sometimes candidates have gone to great lengths to combat the vandalism. Who can forget “Fortress Clyde,” the strategic spot at the intersection of Stinking Creek Road and Highway 43 where Clyde Filstrup Junior placed two billboard-sized signs when he ran for County Mayor. 

Clyde beat other candidates to this prime sign location, but his signs kept getting vandalized.

Clyde tried everything, replacing the damaged signs and erecting a barbwire fence only to have the vandals return with wire cutters. He then hired a night watchman to guard the signs, but the watchman fell asleep, to awaken later with the signs gone again and his car spray-painted with the slogan “Vote for Clyde Junior. He’ll be the last to let you down” (Clyde is also the local mortician).

Finally, Clyde himself spent a week on stakeout duty, hiding in the woods across the road to catch the vandals red-handed. They never showed up, contented to have completely disrupted Clyde’s campaign activities for a week right before the election.

This year someone has been serving as an equal-opportunity sign vandal, defacing every politician’s sign and billboard in the county in an apparent protest against the roadside clutter. Folks have started calling the perpetrator the “Sign Vigilante” and he or she has become an overnight celebrity and folk hero of sorts to all of the citizens weary of the political posturing.

Unlike previous acts of vandalism where candidate’s signs were stolen, burned or ripped apart, the Vigilante exhibits a flair for creativity. 

The posters for Stephanie Bandit Potts, running for Sheriff against her husband, incumbent Sheriff Hiram Potts, were all spray painted with the word “Sexy” above her likeness. Some of her other signs had the words “For a good time call:” sprawled above her name. Hiram, who got caught stepping out on his wife, saw his signs all emblazoned with “My Cheatin’ Heart” and a big red, broken heart drawn above his name.

Poor old Stony Young, running for county commission over in Stinking Creek, had all of his posters emblazoned “Get stoned with Stony,” in apparent reference to his conviction for marijuana cultivation back in the 1980s, while State Representative Toony Pyles had “Toony” scratched out and replaced with “Petunia,” which angers her no end since her name is Abrigail, not Petunia.

Practically every poster or sign with a likeness of the candidate anywhere in the county has some sort of “enhancement,” from the prison bars drawn in front of commission candidate Rufus Starret to moustaches on the faces of Commissioners Mary Ann Botts and Belinda Bandit. 

The likenesses of former School Superintendent Will U. Reade, running for school board, all sport a dunce cap while on most of the signs showing Sheriff Hiram Potts’ face, his left eye sports an eye patch while a parrot is drawn on his shoulder. 

Nobody has a clue about the Sign Vigilante’s identity, but one sign in particular has cast suspicion on Cleotis “Rembrandt” Huckaby, the art teacher at Varmint County High School. 

That particular sign, for Elizabeth Pinetar, who is running for the Public Defender’s office, is a true work of art. Elizabeth is a dark-haired, somewhat austere-looking woman. The Vigilante took some extra pains with one of her billboards across from the high school voting precinct, re-drawing her face to be almost a perfect image of the Mona Lisa, complete with the tight-lipped smile.

“I don’t understand why nobody has caught Cleotis yet,” Clyde Filstrup Junior commented at Doc’s weekly poker game. “If he tries that stuff on my signs when I run for County Mayor again in two years, I guarantee you I’ll catch him in the act.”

“Son, I hate to break it to you but if you put your face on a campaign sign, anything the Sign Vigilante does to it will have to be an improvement,” Doc replied to a chorus of laughter.