“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Spring is in the air, and here in Varmint County that means two things – politics and baseball.  

First the baseball, where the Varmint County Vipers are well on their way to another trip to the state tournament under the gentle hand of coach Boise Otis Snodgrass, who has fully recovered from his little bout with bypass surgery last fall.

B. O., you might recall, had to take a back seat during the football season as women’s basketball coach Penny Haig took over his team. Penny managed to earn the respect of the unruly gang of thugs and bullies who made up most of B.O.’s starting lineup, one or two of them almost as old as their coach, and led the team to its third consecutive undefeated season.

Still, when B. O. jokingly suggested he should retire and hand over the job, Penny threatened to give up coaching altogether.

Now B. O. is back on the bench as his baseball team continues to dismantle most of the opposition. The Vipers’ baseball program is somewhat unique. The young members of the Haig clan tend to dominate B.O.’s basketball teams while the rival Hockmeyer clan has provided most of the quarterbacks and running backs for the football team for the past couple of decades. Only in baseball do Viper fans see both Haigs and Hockmeyers playing dominant roles on the same team.

This year, the Vipers’ ace pitcher is Barney Hockmeyer, known for both his blazing fastball and his lack of accuracy. When Barney winds up and lets go, the ball may flash straight over the plate at 105 mph. It may hit the ground two feet in front of the plate or it may sail twelve feet over the backstop. It also occasionally hits an opposing batter, which is one of the reasons that few batters can hit his pitches.

Still, for two seasons, B. O. used Barney sparingly, as nobody on the team could catch the wild pitcher without losing a dozen passed balls and wild pitches in the course of a game. Since Barney usually put at least two opposing batters on base with walks in the average inning, a wild pitch was not a good thing.

Then along came Petey “Polk Along” Haig, nicknamed for his “blazing” speed on the base paths. “Petey is so slow,” B. O. once commented, “that you have to line him up with a telephone pole to tell if he’s moving or not.”

Petey Haig was slow for a couple of reasons. First he was not built for speed, being a typical Haig male, a gangly six feet, seven inches tall. Secondly, Petey liked playing catcher, where the constant stress on knees meant he ran like he would rather not.

But Petey could catch Barney Hockmeyer. His height enabled him to reach up for most high wild pitches or stretch out for wide ones, while his big, muscular hands could handle catching 100 mph-plus fastballs for seven innings, something few other catchers could bear.

Petey also knew how to handle his pitcher. In the first game that matched Petey behind the plate and Barney on the mound, the pitcher started off in typical fashion, walking the first two batters for the McAdoo High Golden Bears.

Petey called time and walked out to the mound. “You’re trying too hard to aim the ball at the plate. Just let it go in my direction, Barney. If it goes wild I’ll pull it in.”

“What if I hit the batter? I don’t want to hurt nobody,” Barney replied.

“Let the batter worry about that. That’s the reason nobody can hit your stuff – they can’t see it and they don’t know where it’s gonna go.”

The next time Barney pitched, it was against arch-rival Burrville. The final count for the pitcher was seven innings, nine walks, two wild pitches, twenty-one strikeouts, no hits and a 6-0 Varmint County victory.

Slowly, Barney Hockmeyer’s confidence in his catcher helped him gain confidence in his pitches, and become more accurate. In the first game of the regional tournament last month, Barney faced the Jones County Wildcats, sporting a fearsome lineup with three of the state’s top ten home run hitters.

Barney struck out the first nine batters he faced, throwing only a half dozen balls that weren’t in the strike zone. As the Wildcats came around to bat in the fourth inning, Petey walked to the mound to talk to his pitcher.

“These guys have had time to adjust to your speed a little bit now, and they’ve seen that you’re hitting the strike zone with every pitch. Time to shake ’em up a bit,” the catcher advised.

“What do you want me to do?”

“See that wooden sign pointing to the bathrooms just to the left of the backstop?”

“Yeah.”

“Hit it with your next pitch. Hit it hard.”

Barney did as he was told. His pitch sailed wide of the plate, the batter’s box and the backstop. It missed a popcorn vendor by three feet and splintered a wooden sign on the side of the dressing room building.

“Wow. I knew his control was too good to last,” Petey commented to the umpire as the Jones County lead-off batter just stood and stared at the splintered sign.

Barney Hockmeyer pitched a perfect game that afternoon, striking out all but one opposing batter. That one batter fouled off a pitch that sailed toward the Varmint County dugout, where catcher Petey Haig pulled it in.

“One of these days, you’re gonna have to let the rest of us play a little baseball,” shortstop “Goose” Aslinger told Petey in the locker room.

“You can snag all the ground balls you want when Barney’s not pitching. When he starts, just consider the game batting practice, take a good book out in the field with you and let us do all the work,” Petey laughed.

“What I find amazing is the bond between pitcher and catcher. Did you know Petey invited Barney to his family’s Sunday dinner?” B. O. told an opposing coach.

“What’s so unusual about that?” the coach asked.

“Petey’s family lives in Haig Hollow. The last time a Hockmeyer entered Haig Hollow and came out alive was during the Civil War.”

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the other sign of spring – politics. Not much to tell, really, that I haven’t already reported. May is the month for local county primary elections but in Varmint County there are no party primaries until the state primary election in August. All local candidates agreed long ago to keep Varmint County politics local and non-partisan.

As expected, Criminal Judge “Hard Time” Harwell decided to run again rather than retire, leaving criminals and a mob of potential candidates equally despondent. Nobody in the Thirteenth District has the confidence to oppose Hard Time, including Philbert McSwine.

Philbert, learning that Hard Time was not retiring after all, instead decided to run for General Sessions Judge against incumbent Judge Katherine McConnell of Burrville.

“I’ve decided to endorse Philbert for General Sessions Judge,” Hard Time told his fellow poker players at Doc Filstrup’s weekly gathering.

“I never figured you for a sexist, Hard Time. What have you got against Judge McConnell?” Doc asked.

“Not a thing. Katherine is an excellent judge,” Hard Time replied. “But if Philbert is elected to the judgeship, I won’t have to put up with him in my courtroom for at least four years. Katherine is a good friend – I’m sure she’ll understand.”