“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

The filing deadline for local elections is now past, and it appears that Varmint County is in for some interesting times over the next few months.  

Five of the county’s ten commission seats are up for grabs, with female candidates announcing for two of the spots. If both women are elected, females and males will be dead even on the commission at five apiece, with County Mayor Gabby Aslinger having the tie-breaking vote.

In essence, this would mean that females will have control of the county government for the first time in history, a point not lost on all the red-blooded Varmint County males hanging out at Smiley’s Tobacco Mercantile & Pool Emporium.

“We gonna have to get out the vote, boys. Either that or the womenfolk will take control,” Lower Primroy Fire Chief and reformed arsonist Stanley “the Torch” Aslinger observed.

“Yeah, the last time that happened was when we gave ’em the vote back in 1918,” Curley Hockmeyer added. “Next thing they did was vote in Prohibition and the whole country went to Hell.”

Male paranoia really hit a peak when word began circulating about the only race that gains the attention of most voters hereabouts, the election of the “High Sheriff.”

Most Varmint County folk are aware that school board members can determine how much education your children receive, squires can raise your taxes and the County Mayor can hire or fire your relatives. Only one elected official has the power to carry a pistol and lock you up for any variety of wrongdoings, however, and that fact is not lost on the typical Varmint County voter.

For over a century, the Office of High Sheriff was the exclusive property of the Bandit clan, beginning in 1888 with Rufus T. Bandit. Old Rufus served in the office for a total of 32 years without being defeated or getting himself killed by moonshiners, a feat in itself. But his son managed to beat that record, serving from 1920 until he dropped dead in 1968.

Sheriff Shirley T. Bandit, affectionately known as “Granny” due to his feminine name, lied about his age to sign up with Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders in the Spanish American War and shared a foxhole with Alvin York during World War I. He came home one evening and turned on his TV set to see his first long-haired Hippie, a peace symbol painted on his chest and burning an American flag. 

It was more than the old man could take. He dropped dead on the spot at the ripe old age of 86.

Shirley’s name had not come by accident. Old Rufus gave him the name on purpose, figuring that defending himself while growing up would toughen him up. Shirley passed on the favor to his two sons, Connie and Juliene, but in Connie’s case, the plan worked a bit too well.

By the time old Shirley died, Connie had amassed a long list of felony convictions and was serving time in the state pen, not exactly Sheriff material. The mantle instead fell to the younger Bandit son, who had taken to using his middle name, Thadius, in polite society at college and his nickname “Smoky,” while sharing a game of pool or a fishing boat with friends back home.

Shortly after Sheriff Smoky Bandit was elected to fill his father’s boots, that movie starring Burt Reynolds came out and Sheriff Smoky, never one to miss an opportunity for votes, began adding his middle initial to campaign materials. After that, no female voter in the county could see a “Vote for Sheriff Smoky T. Bandit” poster without thinking of Burt Reynolds.

Alas, a dozen years ago Sheriff Smoky decided it was time to hang it up after 36 years. Unfortunately, his numerous attempts with wife Belinda to produce an heir to the office had resulted in five girls and no boy named Sue. Sheriff Smoky resigned himself to being the last Sheriff Bandit.

But Smoky’s middle daughter, tomboy and former beauty queen Stephanie, ran for the office despite her father’s misgivings. She would have won too, if not for the fact that her opponent was Sheriff Smoky’s chief deputy, the handsome 32-year-old widower Hiram Potts who captured the votes of just about any Varmint County female cruising for a husband.

Sheriff Smoky was able to keep the office in the family after all, as it turned out. Hiram ended up proposing to Stephanie and after they were married, making her his chief deputy.

This perfect scenario has endured now for a dozen years as Hiram was unopposed in his two bids for re-election while Stephanie became his indispensable right-hand woman, so to speak, running many of the day-to-day operations of the department. 

The Sheriff dealt with more complicated matters such as speaking to the press, wrangling more tax dollars to raise deputies’ wages and dispensing patronage jobs where politically beneficial. As it turned out, patronage jobs were not the only thing Hiram was dispensing.

Handling the night shift so that Stephanie could be home with little daughter Gracie, Hiram began supervising a thirty-year-old former cheerleader, Isabelle Pinetar, until Stephanie caught them together on a houseboat at Mud Lake Marina and tossed Isabelle in the drink.

“I’m not going to leave you Hiram, unless I catch you cheating again. Everybody’s entitled to one mistake,” Stephanie told her husband. “But I am going to teach you a lesson.”

The lesson became evident to everybody in the county on filing deadline day when Stephanie Bandit Potts filed a petition to run for the office of Sheriff. 

“Well, Smoky, the only reason Stephanie didn’t beat him when you retired is because you campaigned for her in public and secretly urged us all to support Hiram,” Judge “Hard Time” Harwell observed at Doc Filstrup’s weekly poker gathering. “What are you up to this time?” 

“I didn’t want my little girl to have to deal with the job of Sheriff. I didn’t think it a fit place for a young lady back then,” Smoky replied. “Things have changed in twelve years. Stephanie is tougher than I expected and they’ve cleaned things up a lot.”

“Yeah, for one thing they don’t call the county jail the Bates Motel any more,” Colonel Hugh Ray Jass cut in.

“That’s right. Since Stephanie started working there, prisoners who check in actually do survive to check back out,” Archie Aslinger hooted.

“But if Stephanie wins, what will Hiram do?” Colonel Hugh asked.

“Well, I guess he can always apply to work as Stephanie’s chief deputy,” Smoky replied. “Best I remember, he was good at that job when I was Sheriff.”