“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

The times, they are a changin’! At least some folks in Varmint County have been singing that old song recently, as the political and cultural landscape appeared in for some shocks in early 2014. 

The first big change turned out to be a false alarm, as Varmint County almost bid farewell to one of our most venerable citizens and one of my favorite subjects as a reporter for the local rag, the War Whoop & Exterminator.

The flu bug hit Varmint County hard this winter, a particularly nasty strain that some suspect was brought in by some of the Yankees who winter-out on Mud Lake. It hit the schools first, then began to spread among adults.

“I blame this epidemic on a shortage of good moonshine,” Doc Filstrup told his poker buddies at the weekly game. “Used to be, most Varmint County males were well-fortified against viruses.”

“Yeah, no bacteria or virus could survive in the presence of good Haig Hollow Spring Run, and most men kept that in their systems all winter,” Colonel Hugh Ray Jass observed.

“Have you heard? Old Elijah Haig, patriarch of the clan, is down with pneumonia and they don’t know if he will survive,” Archie Aslinger added.

“Yeah, I had Elijah admitted to the hospital over at Burrville last weekend,” Doc explained. “He had tried to keep working his livestock and tending his still despite running a temperature of 103, and it got in his lungs. Double pneumonia has laid the old man low.” 

Elijah’s condition was so bad, in fact, that many Haigs did not expect him to live. His granddaughter Penny even took a leave from coaching the Lady Viper basketball team to sit at the old man’s bedside 24 hours a day, while many of the younger Haigs began maneuvering to see who would become the next patriarch if Elijah passed on to that big feud in the sky.

“Granny, you shouldn’t be here. It’s too risky for you to be out in this weather and hospitals are full of germs,” Penny exclaimed as Granny Haig came through the door to Elijah’s room.

“Can’t help it dear. I’ve got to pull my boy through this sickness for the good of everybody. His no-count younger brother Jebediah and my even more useless grandson, your Uncle Cornelius, are about to start a war over who will take over the clan and the Haig business enterprises if Elijah don’t make it.”

“I thought that was your call, as Matriarch of the Clan,” Penny pointed out. “Doesn’t tradition demand that the eldest female always names the leader of the family?”

“True, my dear, but some of the boys reckon that I can’t appoint someone who’s dead. They’ll be bushwhackin’ each other until there’s only one left standing if Elijah don’t survive.” 

“That’s disgusting. This is 2014, not 1864. Those men all act like they’re still fighting the Civil War.”

“Well dear, there’s a lot of power and prestige at sake, along with dibs on living in the mansion Elijah built with that guv’mint money from selling moonshine to the Air Force. Haigs aren’t immune from greed, it seems.”

In fact Cornelius “Little Poison” Haig, Elijah’s only surviving son and owner of the Dead Rat Tavern, was already acting like the clan patriarch. That very day, Corney was sitting down with lawyer Philbert McSwine in Philbert’s law office to discuss business.

“Philbert, I’ve been approached by some fellas from one of them cable television networks. Seems the old boy in that Duck Dynasty series has gone and got himself in hot water with all the liberals and they’re looking to replace that outfit with another redneck, tobacco-chewing, hard-drinking family for a new reality show. Somebody suggested they contact the Haig Clan, but Elijah’s on his death bed and nobody can negotiate a contract.”

“You could sign a tentative contract, if you’re sure Granny Haig will name you as Elijah’s heir once the old man’s gone. Then it’s just a matter of making the funeral arrangements and you can bring in the camera crews,” Philbert assured Corney. “Come to think of it, wouldn’t that make a perfect pilot episode, covering the funeral of the Clan Patriarch. All the Haigs from Louisiana will be in, along with your entire clan and the Hockmeyers as well. What a show that’ll be!”

Philbert, never one to honor attorney-client privilege, soon was blabbing Cornelius Haig’s big plans to everybody down at the courthouse. Judge Hard Time Harwell told Doc Filstrup, who in turn told Archie Aslinger. Archie soon let his daughter, County Executive Gabby Aslinger, in on the secret. Gabby, Penny Haig’s old basketball coach, rushed to Burrville to warn Penny that her uncle was planning to turn her family into TV reality stars.

“Over my dead body!” Granny Haig proclaimed. “That’s it, the end of all this nonsense. My boy might be dying, but I’m still the Matriarch of the Haig Clan and my word is law. I’m gonna break with tradition and appoint a female to head up the clan if Elijah don’t make it through. Penny, you’re now the heir-apparent.”

“Gawd no, Granny. I don’t want that responsibility!”

“And you won’t have to take it, granddaughter. I’m not dead yet by a long shot,” Elijah suddenly announced from his bed.

“Grandpa, you’re awake! You sound stronger,” Penny exclaimed.

“Yep, Granny’s potions seem to have helped some, but that news about Little Poison talking with those TV people really got the old ticker running strong,” Elijah coughed out. “I reckon I’m going to have to get well so I can go beat some sense into that fool son of mine!”

Corney Haig was just sitting down with Lawyer McSwine and representatives from Fox Real Life Television, in the rear of the Dead Rat Tavern, when a loud hum arose from the bar’s patrons. In walked Elijah Haig, supported on one side by Penny and on the other by Gabby Aslinger. The old man calmly walked to the table of lawyers and network executives, pulled out an 18-inch skinning knife and plunged it through the pile of contract papers resting on the table.

“You’ve got 20 minutes to get out of the county before I feed you to my pet alligator. Old Gnash hasn’t tasted lawyer in close to three years now,” Elijah told the TV folks..

As the network executives were rushing for the door, Elijah turned to his son. “That’s pretty much it for you, Corney. Granny has decided that when my time does finally come, there will be a female heading up this clan. Your niece Penny is now my heir.”

“Pa, how can a danged female be a patriarch? That don’t make no sense,” Little Poison whined.

“Well, you’ve proven you can’t be trusted. Besides, this title generally goes to the strongest man. Penny is six foot six and can whup any three men in the county. She’s the strongest, man or woman, and that’s the end of it,” Elijah proclaimed. “TV reality show! Be thankful I don’t exile you to Afghanistan, or worse still, Burrville!”

So with the anointment of Penny as Elijah Haig’s heir, Varmint County’s transition from a good old boy’s paradise seemed nearly complete. The women have in fact, taken over, it would seem.

One exception to the trend is in the Sheriff’s Department, for close to a hundred years the personal fiefdom of the Bandit family. When Sheriff Smoky finally retired, his chief deputy Hiram Potts took over, but quickly married Smoky’s daughter Stephanie, making him family as well.

Now, with election year looming, the female revolution is challenging even this bastion of red-blooded Varmint County manhood.

It all happened rather quickly. Stephanie Bandit, as Hiram’s chief deputy and right-hand woman, shared responsibilities with her husband and boss for supervising the dozens of deputies, jailers and clerks that strive to maintain law and order in the county.

For the four years of Hiram’s first term in office, this sharing of home life and duties worked well, until daughter Gracie was born a few years back. Stephanie shifted to supervising the day shift while Hiram worked nights so his wife could be at home with their young daughter.

Last summer, Stephanie Bandit discovered that the night shift wasn’t all that Sheriff Potts was supervising. There was also a certain blond former cheerleader named Isabelle Pinetar, niece of our newspaper’s very own office manager Fluvia Pinetar, the sister of Mud Lake Marina operator Ike Pinetar. 

It was not long before wagging tongues carried the rumors to Stephanie, who caught her husband supervising Isabelle at a houseboat on Mud Lake.

“Are you going to leave me? The Sheriff asked his wife after she dumped poor Isabelle in the lake, tossing her clothes after her.

“Nope. Not unless I catch you cheating again,” Stephanie replied. “For the sake of our little girl, I’ll forgive you this one time, but I won’t forget, and I will teach you a lesson about keeping your vows.”

“What kind of lesson?”

“Next election, I’m running for Sheriff. We’ll see how you like the shoe being on the other foot!”