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SlIppery rock GazeTTe
decemBer 2022|19
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We Wish You and Yours a Merry Summer Vacation
After observing Christmas fes- tivities since Bing Crosby first dreamed of snow, I’ve decided there are five official methods for ending the season:
1. The Premature Depreciation. 2. The Guillotine Quickie.
3. The Good Book Rulebook. 4. The Cold Molasses Stupor. 5. The Meh-Whatever.
People in retail sales adhere to Official Method Number One. No later than the first of December —often well before Thanksgiving—Christmas is a distant memory for them. Their sights are already setonValentine’sDay.Whileyou’resip- ping eggnog, they’re sniffing roses.
Doesn’t matter what type of product they’re selling, either. Cars to clothing, candy to condos, they slash prices like a machete through cardboard. The pace escalates quickly.
Ads begin with “Save Up To 50 per- cent!” followed in rapid succession by “75 Percent Off!” then “One Dime Over Cost!” And when all else fails, “What Th’Hell, Folks! We’ll Pay YOU To Take This Junk Off Our Hands!”
Stone Restoration
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They can help with technical support, prod- uct purchase decisions, logistics, and other pertinent project information.
So from my family to yours: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Holidays.
Bob Murrell has worked in the natural stone industry for over 40 years and is well known for his expertise in natural stone, tile, and decorative concrete restoration and mainte- nance. He helped develop some of the main products and processes which revolutionized the industry, and is currently the Director of Operations for M3 Technologies.
Send your comments and questions to Bob at attn: publisher@slipperyrockgazette.net .
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
Number Two is the purview of radio stations that play Christmas music 24/7 between Halloween and Christmas Day. When the last Snickers plops into a trick- or-treat bag, the first needle drops on drummer boys, talking snowmen, rooftop reindeer, jingling bells, harmonizing chip- munks and Santa-kissing mamas.
Until midnight on December 25, that is. Then, whack! Off with their heads! Now, back to our regular programming.
Number Three is the polar opposite of Number Two. It’s for folks who religiously follow the Twelve Days of Christmas agenda.
For them, the celebration doesn’t even begin until Christmas Day. It doesn’t end until three Magi deliver the goods on Epiphany. Only then is it permissible to go thee and taketh down thy wreath and nativ- ity set.
Number Four is dedicated to procrasti- nators who’ll get around to packing deco- rations and tossing the tree “one of these days.” They move at the speed of anesthe- tized koalas. By the time household order is finally restored (on or around Memorial Day), brown balsam needles are ankle-deep on the floor.
Don’t worry. They’ll get vacuumed one of these days.
Yet followers of Number Five trump ’em all.
From the Fourth of July to beyond Labor Day, they occasionally think, “Ya’know, I really oughta drag this Christmas stuff back to the attic.”
But about that time, October 31 rolls around. And boom, just like that, Brenda Lee starts rockin’ around the Christmas tree. What kind of Grinch would want to spoil Halloween?
Oh, and let’s have Almond Joys instead of Snickers this year.
Sam Venable is an author, comedic enter- tainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam. venable@outlook.com.
Mission: Just Nope
The charge carries the potential for a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison and a fine as high as $250,000, according to federal prosecutors.
The Burmese python, one of the world’s largest snakes, is considered a vulnerable species in its native Asia and is invasive in Florida, where it threatens native animals.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission sponsors a yearly hunt for the reptiles: the Florida Python Challenge®. Nearly 1,000 par- ticipants from 32 states, Canada and Latvia came together to remove hun- dreds of Burmese pythons from south Florida as part of the 2022 Florida Python Challenge®. Participants removed 231 invasive Burmese pythons during the 10-day competition created to increase awareness about invasive species and the threats they pose to Florida’s ecology.
A
pythons in his pants at a U.S-Canadian border crossing.
Calvin Bautista, 36, is accused of bring- ing the hidden snakes on a bus that crossed into northern New York on July 15, 2018. Importation of Burmese pythons is regu- lated by an international treaty and by fed- eral regulations listing them as “injurious to human beings.”
Mr. Bautista, of Queens, was arraigned in Albany on the federal smuggling charge and released pending trial, according to a news release from the office of U.S. Attorney Carla B. Freedman.
An email seeking comment was sent to Bautista’s lawyer.
New York City man has been charged
with smuggling three Burmese
“If you want to kill any idea in the world, get a committee working on it.” – Charles Kettering