Carmen Ghia
Resident Standup Comic

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)!

  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
  • Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • They begin the evening news with, “Good evening,” then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
  • I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor.”
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • There’s a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can’t get away from you.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure anymore.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid. I mean, really stupid.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

And mine is...
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to actually find one now. (Rim shot)!